The Divine Color Rays Most Active In Our Collective Awakening

oby Edith Boyer-Telmer

Dear Friends,
over the last few month you heard me repeatedly talking about the increased support that is in the air, transmitted from the Realms of the  Ascended Masters, and reachable for so many for the first time right now. I shared a post explaining how the Masters send out information, energetic waves and their higher frequencies, thru the highways of sound and light, and how that has an impact on human life on earth. We looked into the power of transformation that the inner fire of alchemy is holding for us, and how our breathing is the key to master this alchemical process. As we change layer by layer, and transform our momentary state of being – into a higher vibrating version of our TRUE SELF, we manifest more and more light into our physical body and become the shining lights we always have been. The Ascended Master Apollonius of Tyanan showed us the way, how to raise our vibration of the physical bodies DNA strands!
Than the last few days there have been so many Angelic Messages, Number Sequences, Synchronicity and repetitions of numbers that appeared, since the intense energies of the Virgo Full Moon, that today it is time to collect information on the divine highways of light; the divine color rays of manifestation; that are the most active for us these days.
For the ones who are not familiar with this term jet, we are talking about the seven colors of the inner wheels of divine creation, the inner rainbow light of the chakra system in the physical body. Each of the seven rays represents the acceptance, perfection and completion of a particular aspect in our personal Christ Consciousness – the I AM awareness. On our individual path of self-mastery, the frequencies transmitted from this rays, combined with the awareness of their meaning, can propeller our growth quickly into exhilaration. We are all great spiritual beings, powerful and deserving of our own awakening and ascension. Use your power to create exactly the life you want on planet earth!!

A personal message to all my facebook friends!! FB is limiting the distribution of my articles. In case this restrictions keep going, only a very small amount of people on FB will be able to see my posts!! If you enjoy my work and are used to find my articles shared in a group, please sign up on my newsletter here. Just type in your e-mail address in the prepared field!!  Over time I will not be able to invest the FB time, if it does not lead to what it is about – SPREADING THE WORD ;-)!!gfHere is the result I got after tapping into the divine color rays, in order to ask which of them are the most active for our collective awakening process right now. In order to show you how long they are already announcing their presence, and how the articles I am channeling are interconnected over long periods of time, you find under the name of each Ascended Masters listed, an article about them with prayers, invocations or Mantras.

Masters of the First Divine Ray: The Blue Ray
EL MORYA – CHOHAN:
Is the Chohan (the Leader) of the first divine ray. He is also chief of the Darjeeling Council and of the Great White Brotherhood. El Morya represents courage, focus, certainty, power, forthrightness, self-reliance, dependability, self-responsibility, faith and divine action. All attributes a human being emotionally identifies with the Father principle, the energy of an authentic leader, a judge or a king – human archetypes, human reality and internal qualities of a true spiritual warrior.

IMMACULATA THE PLANETARY SILENT WATCHER:
Immaculata is holding the divine blueprint of life, from which constantly the pattern of perfection and creation for the Golden Age of Aquarius on our planet and for all her attendants flows. It is her service to watch over the human race and guard individuals as well as groups of people, to follow the DIVINE HIGHER WILL.kuthumimMasters of the Second Divine Ray: The Golden Ray
MASTER KUTHUMI:
is our current World Peace Teacher, a member of the Great White Brotherhood of Masters and representative of the Golden Age of Aquarius, the Earth plane of unconditional love, peace and a brotherhood of men.

LORD LANTO:
is a master of the power of precipitation—the alchemical process of drawing forth cosmic light and substance from the universal substance and bringing it into physical form. The power tool of Master Lanto is the “mighty transcendent golden flame of illumination”, located in the Himalaya mountains.

BUDDHA GAUTAMA:
is known as The Enlightened Being or The Buddha, and was the founder of Buddhism in India. The Buddha can help us to energetically translate, transform and clarify inner energies to higher vibrations. His light has an impact on all levels of our spiral dance of creation (what we call past – present and future).

KENICH AHAU:
is  a member of the Spiritual Hierarchy of Shamballa, closely connected with the Mayan Civilization. Kenich Ahan is the patron protector for all Mayan People and students of the spiritual path. He is Mayan sun god, patron of the creations of music and poetry and is the son of “Hunab Ku” –  the “Great Central Spiritual Sun “.

MASTER LING:
is a loving source of assistants for each of us, who calls him into his awareness. His message: it is easier to learn how to shield our awareness, than to clear our energetic field from disharmonious thoughts and feelings of the world, once they entered our conciseness.mmMasters of the Seventh Divine Ray: The Violet Ray
SAINT GERMAIN:
is the master alchemist of the sacred inner fire, who carries the flame of the violet fire for us. This inner fire provides us with the ability to transform, transmute, elevate and shift every emotional pattern inside of us, into higher vibration and devotion to express divine purity.

LADY PORTIA:
is known as the Goddess of Justice and Opportunity, but even more important she is the Ascended Master of Initiation to the next level of higher vibration. She represents the quality of divine justice – the execution of the Divine / Hermetic Laws on planet earth. She is the twin flame of Saint Germain on the Seventh Ray of Transformation, Freedom and Transmutation.

KUAN YIN:
is known as the Goddess of Mercy. Her divine qualities are compassion, kindness, fertility, health and magic. She is patron of the children and of the helpless here on earth. In China she is also known as the great mercy, great pity, salvation from misery, salvation from woe, and the Goddess of thousand arms and thousand eyes.jjDear Ones, I hope you feel encouraged and inspired to make your contact with the divine light within you!! That you are brave this year, when the energies of the universe again decide to turn our world many times upside down!!! I hope you find strength and support with the Masters energy field and always remember “you deserve to walk this life in the ease and blessings of your I AM presence”!! Keep breathing deeply, and taking in all the divine blessings that come now as harvest of our work into manifestation!
Blessings an Courage ;-)! Edith

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The Violet Flame & Kuan Yin the Goddess of Mercy

kwanyinby Edith Boyer-Telmer

Dear Friends,
some days ago a season of articles around the violet flame of the Ascended Master Saint Germain started coming to me. It continued with combining the masters tools with conscious breathing our ability to let go, forgive and move on, and how to heal the Family tree, by combining the violet fire of transformation with the Hoʻoponopono . Today I would love to add to this mix, the mercy and kindness of the Ascended Master “Goddess Kuan Yin”. Her divine frequency field is a tool, many people found helpful to bring deeper level of self-love and self-compassion into their lives.
The Goddess Kwan Yin is known as the Goddess of Mercy. Her divine qualities are compassion, kindness, fertility, health and magic. She is patron of the children and of the helpless here on earth. In China she is also known as great mercy, great pity, salvation from misery, salvation from woe, Goddess of thousand arms and thousand eyes. She is a Bodhisattva, an Enlightened One, who refused to enter the divine realms and vowed instead to stay in the earthly realms until all living beings reach enlightenment. If today’s 11/11 Scorpio New Moon unveiled to you the dark side of your being and you have trouble forgiving yourself, work with the energy field of this beautiful mother figure.

A centering technique I recommend you use before starting any prayer or Invocation of higher vibrations is the following:

  1. Put your thumb, index, and middle fingers of your left hand together and place them in the middle of your chest next to your heart.
  2. Close your eyes and focus on this area.
  3. Take several deep calming breaths.
  4. Visualize the inner light.

Center all you energy in your heart, visualize the violet flame of transformation first surrounding, than entering your heart. Don’t forget to breath deeply, with wide open mouth and make sure you really feel what you say!! Allow yourself to experience the impact the words have on you, on emotional and energetic level (maybe put a hand on the heart or on your belly while you speak), without allowing them to become overwhelming again! If painful memories surface consciously release them into the violet flame. qy1

Morning Affirmation
Goddess within me,
God around me,
Spirit throughout me,
I will complete this day
In balance and love.

Kuan Yin Mantra
OM MANI PADME HUM (3-11x)

(Phonetic pronunciation: OM MAH-NEE PUD-MAY HOOM
Translation: OM! Hail to the jewel in the heart of the lotus!)

Kuan Yin Invocation
Mother of Love and Compassion

Bestow your wisdom upon me
Help me see humanity through your eyes
Help me master the love and compassion
that you hold near your heart of Gold
Help me shine like a beacon in the night
and see my reflection in your tear of love
Kuan Yin I thank you for your tireless love,
your patience and hope for humanity
Amen

quan-yin-beautiful-newI hope you feel embraced, comforted and held in safe unconditional love, whenever you talk to the wonderful Kuan Yin!!! You deserve to feel the mercy of God transform your pain and trouble!! Keep breathing deeply, keep praying and repeating the words, until you feel the calming effect of her deep inner peace and kindness!!
Blessings an Courage ;-)! Edith

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Yogic Tools For A Better Sex Life – From ‘Having Sex’ to ‘Making Love’

make love

Dear Friends,
I shared this wonderful piece about a year ago and today realized, it is even more inspiring now as we are collectively invited to understand sexuality on a completely different level than before. It complements perfectly my post about the sacredness of our human sexuality, within the new relationship paradigm for the Golden Age of Aquarius. I hope you like it as much as I did, and that you feel inspired by the practical tips the author is providing! Have fun experimenting and discovering yourself and your partner in the beauty of your soul’s light!!
Blessings and Love!
Edith

The key is to view our sexuality holistically—not just as a physical or emotional experience. When we honor our sexuality as the most potent energy we possess (literally the ability to create life), we realize a powerful opportunity for cultivating union—a deep, soulful merging between two people. Turn your love making into a spiritual practice. Use sex to awaken, express your creativity and expand consciousness. In yoga, this is called bramacharya (containment and mindful use of sexual energy) and is one of the 10 foundations (yamas) of living a yogic life.

1. Choose Partners Wisely
Look and choose partners that have the same intention as you. For example, if you are seeking a relationship, be clear they have the same intention. If you just want a lover, make sure your partner is on the same page. Is this a monogamous relationship or open? Transparency builds mutual trust and understanding and creates the safety necessary for your psyche and soul to feel safe enough to expand. Having honest, direct conversations means you’re setting the foundation of love and respect.

2. Agree on the Ground Rules
Prior to entering into a sexual relationship, have a conscious dialogue around basics such as sexually transmitted diseases, what type of birth control you’ll use and even what happens if you do get pregnant. It’s crucial to set and agree on ground rules in order to build a foundation where both partners feel understood.
If you have trouble discussing touchy subjects with your partner, it’s a good indication that there is not enough care, friendship, emotional connection or psychological development between you to warrant moving into a sexual relationship. In other words, if you can’t be honest about your needs or truth, ask yourself why? Is this really an appropriate sexual partner for you? Bonus: deeper intimacy and physical satisfaction comes when you feel safe, heard and respected!

3. Practice Deep Breathing
Before you enter the physical love making, get in the habit of slowing down and resonating with your partner by breathing together. Conscious sexuality is not about orgasm. It’s not even about intercourse. When we focus our attention on the breath, we move out of a goal oriented, physical process and into a more ‘feeling state’ connected to the subtle, non-linear, energetic body.
Making love is two people truly seeing, feeling, celebrating and honoring each other—a merging of the two into the one. When you deepen and slow down your breath, you open over 72,000 energetic pathways or nadis. This relaxes your body, increasing blood circulation which can lead to fuller, more pleasurable orgasms (not necessarily the goal). It also calms the mind and softens the ego. You will begin to connect to your partner from a more generous, humble, open and authentic place. If you notice continued deep, conscious breathing is difficult for you, get thyself to a yoga class!7898900_f5204. Practice Soul Gazing
Another powerful exercise to build energetic and emotional alignment with your partner is Soul Gazing. This is an open-eye meditation where you simply sit comfortably and relax together. Start by sitting on the floor or bed across from each other in a cross-legged position (or whatever feels comfortable). Sit close together, knees almost touching. Lengthen through your spine, relax your shoulders, face, jaw, tongue and your expectations. Make and gently hold eye contact. (It is helpful to look left eye to left eye so the eyes are not darting back and forth.) Begin to observe each other silently. Take each other in. Watch your breath without trying to control it. Observe what you see in the other person and how it feels to truly be seen. Let any thoughts, judgments, expectations, defenses or tension rise and silently fall away. Relax, breathe, see, be seen and feel.
For many people, it is extremely difficult to maintain eye contact here. Laughter often arises, a feeling of silliness or fidgeting. Simply notice this and allow it to rise and fall away like waves in the ocean. Come back to the breath. Silently sit and gaze into each others’ eyes—with no expectation—for a minimum of 15 minutes.
When you move out of the personality and verbal mode of communicating, you begin to simply be with another and drop into a more authentic space. Your connection deepens out of the “False Self” we tend to project. You begin seeing through the eyes of the heart and perceiving your partner beyond the roles and identity you have attached to them. Expectations and judgements slip away. The Soul or Spirit becomes more tangible. Attuning and bringing your energies into alignment with deep breathing and soul gazing will immediately enhance the intimacy in your relationship even when you are not having sex.

5. Set an Intention
Allow your love making to turn into a spiritual practice. This is often referred to as ‘sexual magic’ —or using sex as a gateway for spiritual evolution and deep psychological and emotional healing. One way to begin this practice is to simply set an intention or say a prayer before making love. Ask Spirit to enter the room. Ask that this be a ritual to bring both you and your partner into your Highest Self, connect with your deepest truth, wisdom and capacity for unconditional love.
If you’re in a committed relationship you may choose to focus on something you intend to create together with your partner. For example, if you have children you may dedicate your ritual as an offering to be better parents. If there’s tension in a relationship or you just had a fight, ask that the love you make help you both soften, let go, forgive and reconnect. Perhaps, your intention is simply to explore, release, be wild, playful and have fun! Sex is alchemy—an opportunity to use the physical body to consciously shape-shift, change our emotional state and elevate our consciousness. Your sexual energy is the most powerful energy you own. Literally, the energy that creates life. It does not get any bigger or more potent than that. Setting an intention before sex is like placing a dam on this raw power—focusing and directing the flow to exactly the area of your life you choose.

6. Start Slowly
Slow down…. Sex is not a goal-oriented process. Our aim is to move out of the ego/thinking mind and into the transcendent realm of the Soul. Start with deep breathing, massaging, gentle touching, kissing and maintaining eye contact. The nervous system, physical body and heart need time to transition, relax, feel safe and open. Patience creates safety, ease and contentment. The ego mind is goal-oriented. When we are trying to get somewhere or get someone else somewhere it breeds tension, anxiety and constriction in the body.
When you notice your thinking mind ‘trying’, analyzing, judging or anticipating, return to the breath, relax, recommit to gazing and slow down. Holding each others’ gaze while making love breeds much more intimacy (and vulnerability) and connects the heart center to the second chakra or sacral center. Deep breathing expands and spreads out the intensity, desire and sensations of the sexual organs, building a bridge between our primal desires (sexual energy) and our heart—the emotional, sweet, tender, vulnerable, authentic space of who we are. Breath, gaze, sound and intention begin to align our actions with our heart.se7. Draw Energy Up Your Spine
Once you are making love, practice taking deeper breaths to expand your energy and draw it up the spine. When we move up the line through the chakras, we move into more refined aspects of Self. We are less obsessed with our individual, physical desires and getting our needs met and more attuned to our partner, expanding our awareness and serving others. Allow yourself to be “inspired.” The word “inspiration” literally means to breathe in—to be filled with breath. Allow Spirit to flow through you and be literally In-Spired or filled with Spirit when you’re in the process of making love. Visualize the flow of energy moving upwards through your belly, chest, back, outwards through your arms and eyes, and back to your partner again. This begins the tantric loop of contained energy that will fuel and “inspire” both of you.

8. Bring More Affection Daily
Make affection, kindness, tenderness and physical touch a priority on a daily basis. Sweetly caress your lover’s face. Get in the habit of regularly giving compliments. Hold their hand. Surprise your lover with a sweet kiss. Practice random, unsolicited acts of kindness. This stimulates the ‘mirror neurons’ making us feel loved, lovable and keeps us sensually connected. Do this for yourself, too! Self love is the foundation of all love.

Posted by Ashley Turner June 17th 2014, in http://www.meetmindful.com/conscious-love-how-to-improve-your-sex-life/

Women do you truly see a “Good Man”? Questions from a Conscious Seeker…

5423d226db3b6b2e3dc89480e816220aDear Friends,
I really loved reading this article!! Again a conscious man truly spend time thinking about what is going on in our relationships. To me, he came of quite angry at the beginning, but I love his conclusion. In my work with couples I saw quite often women taking the emotional high horse, in the believe that simple being female makes them the better being ;-).. Nice try sisters…  I also found it very interesting that he addressed the issue of women often not being able to hold space for the vulnerability of their partner, even when they express to desire an emotional man. That is an issue ladies!! One we collectively have to address! We can not call for equality with or partner and than not give him the space to experience, live and show all his deeper feelings… that’s a natural contradiction!
I think that first we, the women of the world need to be clear in our inner understanding of our individual “Good Man”, than we will be able to recognize him on the street!
Again this is a piece send to me by a reader, unfortunately without name of the author. I bless him for this little wake up call to all humanity, to become the partners we desire to meet! Such a valuable read for men and women – to good to keep to myself!!

Love and Blessings from me!!
EdithaaThe other day I was speaking to my friend about the realities of dating and relationships today. It only takes a glimpse into the interactions on any relationship article or Instagram love quote, to see there are far more women reading and striving to improve their relationships than men.
This isn’t just true in the realm of social media. Women are the consumers of far more articles and books regarding bettering themselves in love. Whereas, we as men, are more open and willing to read a book on how to be a better leader, how to pick up women or manipulate our way through life. Many of these books, I’m reluctant to admit, have had a comfortable life on my shelf.
The line between work and home and how we behave is vague at best. As men, do we not see that the way we behave in romantic relationships and family systems is a form of leadership and teamwork too? That the way we are at home can translate to how we show up at work, and vice versa?
In addition, women are often a much more accurate barometer of the emotional state of relationships. Just think about the percentage of times a man says, “I want to talk about us” or “Things just seem off, I was hoping we could have a chat about how we’re doing.” Male-initiated emotional conversations are few and far between. And this is even further supported by the mere fact that about two thirds of divorces are set in motion by women.
If we were to survey most established romantic relationships, it wouldn’t take long before we would see that men can exist in a relationship that is not necessarily amazing, but not bad either. Kind of like a “good enough to stay and not bad enough to leave” situation. I don’t mean all men, but most men. And when a woman finally leaves that’s when he says, “Wait!? I didn’t even realize things were bad! You never even tried!”
Oh yes. She did. And we were not listening, and maybe she was not saying it the right way. Or maybe no one taught us how to maintain a great relationship.role_modelIn order for men to thrive in relationships, good men need to teach good men.

However, with women there is a belief that they have an inherent ability to thrive in relationships and there is a pervasive arrogance to the messages regarding their emotional intelligence and capacity for love. One needs to only survey a couple of women before you’ll hear the commonly uttered phrase, “There are no good men out there.”
It’s a provocative thought isn’t it? Are there enough good men for good women?
To move forward there is a need to define the idea of what makes a “good man” and what makes a “good woman”?
We could argue that a good man is one who shows integrity, honesty, the qualities of good fatherhood, supportive, empathy, and is kind in his words and offers fidelity. This is going to be defined a little differently by each person, but for sake of argument we can/will assume this is what makes men inherently “good”.
What defines a good woman? It’s likely very similar to what makes for a good man, except for the ever important caveat of women having different genitalia. What makes a good women seems controversial to even discuss, doesn’t it? Because we usually just assume that on average women are the “good ones”, don’t we?
It sounds insulting to state “There are no good women out there” as indicates that women on average are not good. Then why is it ok to suggest that men are not good?
From what I have observed and read in the relationship world, I see that men are under the microscope when it comes to love and relationships, and women are told they are perfect at love, and that men need to step it up.

Have we truly invited men to be emotional?

Brené Brown’s research supports the idea that when a man breaks down and shares emotions with a woman, he loses her trust. His vulnerability reduces the safety his lady feels. This in turn, causes her to become angry and in some ways resent him for displaying a softer side of masculinity.
I thought we wanted emotional men? Is emotional equilibrium what we truly seek? Based on the vast majority of literature and conversations I indulge in, the mass consensus appears to be that men should be to be able to talk about how they feel.aeaSo what do women really want?

It’s no wonder men feel confused about what role they need to play in relationships. There is a disconnect between what is asked of them and what they are empowered and rewarded for being. Now, truth be told, it’s not like men everywhere are shedding tears, opening their hearts, and losing their woman because of emotional transparency. Men do not tend to share their emotions, they do not tell the women in their lives that they are upset or don’t feel loved. Men are lost, because no one taught them what being a man means, or what they are taught is patriarchal and “old fashioned”.
Brene’s research demonstrates men being their vulnerable selves may actually result in disconnection with their partner, which is the opposite result of the intention of sharing. So on each man goes, pretending that men don’t have emotions and are not good at talking about feelings. Because if he is sensitive he is a “pussy”, certainly not emotionally intelligent and aware of his emotional state. We can safely say that all those things which traditionally defined the masculine model for the last couple of centuries have been displaced, and women often find themselves making the money and decisions. We are quick to point out where men can step it up, but we do not think or discuss the idea of where women can step up their game, do we?
Women do so many things well. They show up emotionally and they create community. Women, are inherently good. They are beautifully kind, empathetic, nurturing and supportive. They build amazing social programs and have rallied to create a female empowerment movement that is unbelievably inspiring, and unbelievably needed.
There is still much oppression of the feminine, and every country and culture has a lot of work to do to have women treated with equality, and empowered and supported by all men. That’s why I think this conversation is important, because in order for women to thrive, men need to as well. I think that we are all here for connection and to share our hearts, but we cannot do it alone.39949280.cmsIt begs me to ask: Are we forgetting about men, in the effort to save women? Have we forgotten about all the good men out there through our desire not to disturb the feminine? Celebration of men and the male model is uncommon. We tend not to talk about all the amazing fathers, and unbelievably stand up men who we can call at any hour and would do anything for all the people in their lives. Because there are a lot of them.
I consider myself very fortunate to have grown up with, and really have only enjoyed the company of great men. Men of integrity and consistency in how they show up for the women and men in their lives. But, I do not think that it is rare, and it is not only my friends and athletic teammates who are like this.
Everywhere I travel I meet incredible men. I can see and find good men, because they are who I look for. Just like all the women I know are incredible, intelligent, kind and have some of the brightest souls on the planet.
The truth is, we get what we focus on. There are a lot of women who focus on their inability to find good men. I hear “There are no good men out there” from women who have emotional wounds. Women who have chosen men and ignored red flags. Women who cheat and lie to themselves and others. Women who have their own work to do.
I’m not saying men don’t have work to do. We do. And women have work to do too. It’s a human problem, not a gender problem. We, as men, need to build from within first and create conscious communities where men can learn to support and develop together. We need to teach each other, and even more importantly, we need to teach our sons how to become a good men and what that means. We need to be GREAT fathers. We need to embrace and embody the emotional skills required of us to be amazing leader in every facet of our lives. We need to show up for the women(and men) in our lives and demonstrate kindness and empathy. We need to remember and celebrate all of the men who are changing the world. We need to create a space for men to thrive, and instead of trying to destroy each other, we need to build each other up. I commend all the good men who push for change and equality. Who don’t see gender, and instead see hearts; hearts that crave connection and love.
I am so proud to be a man and to share this planet with such amazing and wonderful men.
To answer the question, “Are There Enough Good Men For Good Women?”: YES, I believe that there are more than enough good men out there.
And if this is true, it begs the next question: Are there enough good women who can hold the space for good men?

I hope this read inspired you to dig deep into your believe system and emotional body! And that this will enable you to find the very last old thought, that might have kept you from seeing a “REAL GOOD MAN”… Just like the author, I meet them everyday… They are really everywhere! It truly is a matter of focus!!
Love and Blessings
Edith

Please feel INVITED to share!

How to create long-lasting relationships – The scientific proof from the Gottman’s!!

aDear Soul Union Seeker, True-Lover and Hopeful!
Have you ever heard of John Gottman and his wife Julie?? Well in case not, he is a big relationship and sexuality guru who actually revolutionized our common understanding of the human body, the physical activity during the feminine orgasm (he proofed that it is a powerful force of nature, that unfolds in an internal process – extremely personal and collective at the same time “like every beautiful, divine paradox ;-)”) and the core values, that build lasting love partnerships.
The Gottman’s became famous in the 60es for a study on sexuality that enabled John Gottman to predict if newlyweds would make it as a couple, within spending less than an hour  with the two people. The American TV-Show hit “Masters of Sex – Love and Relationship” is based on this work. Totally enjoyable and recommendable show!! He currently released another study, that he developed with his wife, psychologist Julie Gottman. A study that might just have the answer to our many lifetime long quest of asking: WHAT MAKES LOVE LAST?

And despite of all our internal complexity, soul searching, psychological studies and romantic ideas, the answer is quite simple. All it takes is a truthful exchange of kindness and, what the Gottman’s called, “regular positive respond in our interactions”.
What that means is simple enough explained:
Let’s say you are at home in your living-room – your partner is present doing his tings. You are looking out of the window and see an amazingly beautiful sunset rising on the horizon. Filled with bliss, gratitude and good vibrations, you turn to your partner and say “have you seen this magnificent colors, the beauty is breath taking, nearly overwhelming!!” The Gottman’s called this a “bid”, which is a request for a response – in the hope of a small connection between the two of you. A connection that allows you to feel, that on this particular topic – you share the same worldview, values or perception.
But a bit is not only a request, but also an invitation for the partner – an invitation for another moment of shared intimacy. Your partner now has the choice, how to respond to this request for his time and attention.
Your partner can choose to look up and say “wow! You are right! This is amazing! Glad you pointed it out!” or what ever words of agreement, recognition, positive respond. The Gottman’s named this moment “turning toward” – indicating, that in such a moment the natural respond of the physical body is, to turn toward the object you respond too.a2Or, he can choose to stay engaged in what ever he is doing. Just mutter something, to let you know he heard that you where talking at all. Or worse of all, remain silent and unresponsive. That is something we internally experience as “turning away”.
Now that might not seam that important or significant, to destroy a true love relationship – but it indeed is? According to the results of the Gottman study, the consequences are spreading deep into the roots of our relationship foundation.
In fact it shows that:
Couples who got divorced within the time span of their six-year follow up, had “turn-toward bids” of 33 percent. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” of 87 percent. You don’t have to have studied the field to understand, that when your bids for connection rarely find responds, there comes a point where you stop trying.
The study explained it this way:
“People who give their partner the cold shoulder – deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally… not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner’s ability to fight off viruses and cancers.” Contemplate that one!!
Clearly the most difficult situation to turn toward a bid, is when we experience stress, are in an argument or a heated discussion. AND especially in this moments of your relationship, it is most important to do exactly that. By developing the ability to hold space for your partner, you’re flexing your muscle of kindness – and kindness is the major predictor of a long-lasting relationship.

But, kindness is not the only ingredient in the pot. The second predictor of a long lasting love relation is the sharing of joy. In particular the  joy you feel over each others triumphs, accomplishments and gains. To feel happiness, support and even pride for the partners win’s in life, creates the space needed to keep being brave and courageous with our life-path decisions.
The Gottmans discoveries are based on over four decades of scientific research. The intent was not to look for evidence of different needs or behavior pattern between the sexes, but to get data about the nature of human beings in relationships.
Therefor the results are as relevant for the creation of long lasting love-relationships, as they are for your behavior with  family members, in friendships, work-relations and so on… They concern MAN and WOMAN EQUALLY!!
In essence our human existence on this beautiful planet is not possible without interaction with others… therefor, everything in our life is about relationship!!
a1So, pep up your behavior!! See if you can find it within you, to truly engage with your partner. Develop the clarity it takes, to truly be present in all your human interactions and don’t zoom out, like described in yesterdays post “Learn to feel your woman (or you will probably loose her)“.
And if it should be that you are one of the blessed souls, who came to reunite with a soul flame, a twin flame or longtime soul partner, know that every fiber of their being will be wired to “WANTING TO RESPOND” to you. When you meet people who belong to your soul tribe or soul family, you will experience a beautiful ping-pong game of BEING TOGETHER – where non of the players ever get tired of being engaged in interaction with the others.
I wish you awareness and devotion in the creation of our developing  New World relationships!!!
Blessings and Love
Edith

More theme relate articles you find here: Spiritual Awakening, Learn to be masters of loveLearn how to feel your woman, Wild Woman, Choose her every day (or leave her).

Please feel INVITED to share this post, just keep all credits and links active!! THANKS!!

Harmony – The Scientific Method for Greater Self-Mastery

masterDear Friends,
Just as I wrote about the impact of Numerology, Sacred Geometry and the Angels on our energetic transformation, in this incredible preparation for a collective awakening in The Golden Age of Aquarius, I run into this article from the 80’s already talking, from a scientific point of few, about the amazing changes we are undergoing as a collective and the role the divine forces are playing in it. The text starts already with a twin flame reference, talks about the Great Central Sun and the divine I AM presence, the sound OM, all energies crucial to the successful energetic calibration of 7 billion people, into a physical life in a 5th dimensional state, and it moves on to a scientific explanation of the universal harmony within!!
Keep burning in the violet flame of the Ascended Masters Saint Germain and the Golden Flame of Master Lanto, for a smooth transition and blissful New Beginnings!!!
Wish you deep concentration and absolute presence with your inner and the outer world, in this ever shifting times of Planet Earth!!
Blessings and New Earth Power!!
Edith

This is an excerpt of a dictation by God Harmony given at the Easter Conference 1980 and published in the Pearls of Wisdom Vol. 23 No. 24.
Now in joy we begin to accelerate the initiation of our chelas (servants) into the golden flame of God-harmony.
I AM the one bearing the office and the mantle of that flame. I AM come into your midst with the refreshing light of the universal rhythm of the stars which keep the flow of harmony. As hearts unite in love, they establish this flow of harmony in the very center of the community of the Holy Spirit.
Now as we would accelerate the responsibilities of our chelas for holding the balance in the earth in time of transition, we come to show you that the flame of God’s harmony creates a magnet of the Central Sun. That supreme magnet of love harmonious is all-attractive of all good and all-repelling of all evil. Therefore those who survive when the earth is in chaos, disintegration and death must understand clearly, that the antidote for all of this is the purity of harmony.

downloadHarmony is a Science

Harmony is a science, my beloved, even as music is a science; and the notes of mathematics strike the chords of cosmic principles. My fascination with the Great Silence, my meditation – ultimately attaining to the very light of nirvana – enabled me to begin to understand the frequency of the soundless sound.
Entering into that inner light, I discovered the key to God’s harmony. And therefore the flame that I keep, I do keep out of awe for the inner knowing of the presence of the Word before it is spoken. When it is the soundless, yet still a sound—as it were, a minus sound before the moment of crystallization by Elohim.
Harmony, then, is the balance of light, of sun centers, electronic force fields. When there is balance, then there is harmony. When there is balance and harmony, then and only then can there be acceleration.

Acceleration Through Balance and Harmony

You may have wondrous gifts of virtue, but often in a lifetime or many lifetimes an individual life-stream does not exceed a certain level of attainment professionally or a certain level of virtue. When the individual reaches the line where there is no longer balance, than it cannot carry into an accelerated momentum that virtue, which may function at a lesser vibration.
Take, for example, a top that spins. In order to spin, it must have a certain acceleration and a certain balance. Thus when the law of harmony functioning within you goes below the level of a certain acceleration, it can no longer be maintained. And this is when discord enters in with disintegration and ultimately self-destruction. Thus in order to have the key of harmony, you must have the key of the acceleration of love.
This love is the absorption into God and unto God of all of the flow of the river having four heads, passing out of Garden Eden and out of the Edenic light into the four receptacles of the four lower bodies. Wherever energy is tied in knots of self-deception, of dissonance, of selfishness, of hatred—all of these manifestations, including anxiety and fear itself, cause the deceleration of that which is God-harmony within the very fiery core of the threefold flame itself.

Thus when the momentum of dissonance becomes too great, the top of the threefold flame cannot spin. When its three plumes are of differing height, out of balance, it cannot spin and therefore the resurrection fires do not glow.
Thus when considering, then, those who have certain virtues which they cannot exceed, we contemplate individuals who, for example, under normal conditions may express patience, mercy, kindness, but as soon as stress and distress is introduced into the life pattern, then the individual is no longer kind, patient, and merciful.
This is because these qualities have received only a certain impetus to acceleration. They have not accelerated further because of the impediments within the four lower bodies.

images (3)These impediments are as islands of darkness in a sea of light. That is the condition of consciousness. For where consciousness is a sea of light with islands of darkness, these islands can be inundated with the flame of love, freedom and transmutation – and therefore they can be readily dissolved.
So when individuals are not attentive to maintaining the cosmic sea of consciousness and allow the precious gift of the receptacle of Life to become more and more dominated by larger and larger islands of darkness – and these islands become continents – than soon they occupy more space and time within the energy field than the sea of light. And therefore the individual has not the ability to press forward and to accelerate any gift of Life, any flame of creativity, or to see through the completion of a simple project.
Therefore we turn the attention of our chelas to the science of God’s own flame of harmony. It is the Holy Spirit of Alpha ray forth to Omega, sounding the universal OM and registering in the negative Matter spheres as the gift of individuality within you. Thus the letters h a r m o n y reveal the inner science of the Lord God’s transmittal of his light and its ultimate destiny to sustain in Matter the individualization of the God flame called YOU.

Source: http://www.summitlighthouse.org/harmony-method-for-mastery/

Nepal Chooses Kindness — ENDING The World’s Largest Animal Sacrifice Event

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Dear Friends,
I feel happy, excited and inspired to  share this article with you!! Beautiful things happen on the planet!! What an amazing first step for humanity and our friends from the animal kingdom – the Gadhimai slaughter festival will never be a festival of slaughter again!!!
Remember, just last month I shared two article about the waves of energy we currently receive from heavens, and how they carry the potential for healing with the animal world,  https://edithboyertelmer.wordpress.com/2015/06/20/the-june-2015-solstice/https://edithboyertelmer.wordpress.com/2015/06/26/sacred-circle-for-calling-the-animals-into-the-diamond-vortex-by-celia-fenn/. And here it is! First chance given – first chance taken – for humanity, a big step on its way into the creation of a world in balance and harmony. And a loud statement that cruelty in the name of tradition is no longer tolerateable!!  We need to be brave and embrace changing our actions on all levels of life!
Go home – hug your dog, watch a bird on your way to work or enjoy the sound of bees in the air!! Remember the peace that comes from understanding, how we are naturally one with nature!!
Blessings Edith
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Gadhimai Slaughter was blamed for the massive earthquake that hit in April and killed nearly 10,000 lives. People called it the nature’s way of punishment to humanity. Irrespective of the truth, it has influenced this decision in many ways.
In a glorious tribute to the power of compassion, the Gadhimai slaughter festival will now be a ‘momentous celebration of life.’
For centuries the Gadhimai festival in Nepal has seen temple grounds awash with the blood of animals slaughtered in the name of ‘tradition’.
This sacrifice has occurred every five years for the last 300 years.
And it stopped — today.

The Gadhimai Temple Trust hereby declares our formal decision to end animal sacrifice. With your help, we can ensure Gadhimai 2019 is free from bloodshed. Moreover, we can ensure Gadhimai 2019 is a momentous celebration of life … For every life taken, our heart is heavy. The time has come to transform an old tradition.

Hundreds of thousands of water buffalo, goats, chickens and other animals will now be saved from a brutal death by bludgeoning or decapitation.animal sacrifice event in nepal
This achievement is no small feat. We take our hats off to the extraordinary efforts of the Humane Society International/IndiaAnimal Welfare Network Nepal, and countless animal protection groups and individuals around the world who have helped inspire this victory of kindness over cruelty.
And, of course, greatest credit must go to the members of The Gadhimai Temple Trust itself, who recognized that the power to change the trajectory of our common humanity is in our hands.

The Gadhimai Temple Trust has shown that tradition is no excuse for cruelty with its landmark decision.

 

The incredible news exploded on social media, where a long running campaign has been waged on behalf of the victims of the festival. It is yet another signpost that the pathway our species is paving for itself is slowly but surely bending towards a more compassionate future, championed by caring people in every country of the world.
That is to say, we are getting kinder.
Worldwide, never before has there been such a rate of positive change — in public policy; in commerce; in public awareness and advocacyAnd never before have the animals of this world needed it so much. We have, after all, inherited an age where the majority of animals in human ‘care’ are valued not as living, thinking beings, but as commodities — spending their entire lives confined in factory farms. Nothing short of a profound global shift in thought is needed to awaken our shared responsibility toward our fellow species and break this global cycle of suffering.The Gadhimai Temple Trust has shown that tradition is no excuse for cruelty with its landmark decision.
Could the previously un-thought of Gadhimai ‘celebration of life’ festival be a sign that a kinder world is possible?
Some of the most entrenched cruelty in this world has long been defended in the name of ‘tradition’.
The Festival of Sacrifice is responsible for untold suffering of cattle, sheep and goats — millions of whom have been sold for profit through Australia’s live export trade; closer to home, in the name of Christmas, highly intelligent pigs and turkeys not only experience the terror of slaughter, but entire lifetimes of suffering in factory farms; and sporting events such as bull fights and rodeos still present cruelty as ‘entertainment’…
When kind people seek to transform cruel traditions, they don’t risk losing their identity. They strengthen it by demonstrating that culture cannot be measured by the repetition of practices frozen in time by values of the past. For this, the tradition of the Gadhimai festival will become all the stronger.
In another Nepalese tradition, there is an entire calendar day called ‘Kukur Tihar’ dedicated entirely to thanking dogs for their friendship and loyalty.
It takes compassion and courage to rise above cruelty and recognize that the ways of doing things we inherit from the past do not define us; to recognize that those we share this world with, also share our desire to avoid suffering. Whether in our temples, or in our homes, we can all choose to live without killing.

The roots of cruelty are not so much strong as widespread. But the time must come when inhumanity protected by custom and thoughtlessness will succumb before humanity championed by thought. Let us work that this time may come. Albert SchweitzerIn another Nepalese tradition, there is an entire calendar day called 'Kukur Tihar' dedicated entirely to thanking dogs for their friendship and loyalty.Compassion is fundamental to all human cultures — and when it shines through, traditions steeped in cruelty can be transformed. On scales grand and small, if we want to live in a kinder world, we all have a role to play.

And if the world’s largest animal sacrifice event can be transformed into a ‘celebration of life’, then there is reason to be infinitely hopeful about the future.

5 Ways to Be a Body Love Activist and Not Let the Trolls Get You Down

indexDear Friends,
the other day, when I was sitting with some friends, we came to discuss how the world would look like if every woman desides to love her body – just the way it is. If the industry of cosmetics, would run crazy and try to get us back on track??? If doctors would come for a visit at home to make sure plastc surgery is going on??? And if the world would not be a better place, with more happy faces – who’s expression you still can read (brotox faces can’t smile!!). Please enjoy this article – that came to me just after our talk!!
Love, Blessings and respect for your body!!
Edith
The world needs body love and self-love advocates — lots of them. But it’s not easy work, and I want to help my fellow body love activists navigate this global revolution that can often be exhausting and hurtful, since it is primarily spread around the planet via the Internet, and not everyone online is kind.
Let’s face it: our culture, like most cultures on our beautiful planet, has been unconsciously convinced that only a small handful of humans are worthy to be celebrated, to feel beautiful and to try on the word “perfect” to see how it feels. So many write to me and express, How dare women who don’t fit into a one-shape-one-skin-tone-one-skin-texture-one-age-and-gender-mold love themselves? How dare women love their un-Photoshopped bodies, and How dare we celebrate us ALL, yes us ALL: those of us with bony hips and those of use with cellulite and dimpled thighs and those of us who are differently abled and those of us born small or tall or large or black or golden?

jade beall

The problem, as I see it, is that when we praise only ONE mold of a human, as we have been convinced we must do, division is created, jealousy becomes a natural side effect, distrust multiplies and sisterhood vanishes.
When I started A Beautiful Body Project and my work began circulating the planet, I would sit late into the night, bleary-eyed and with thorns stabbing my heart and lungs, replying to hundreds and then thousands of the people who disliked my work and left unkind comments on the articles that were published about it. I wanted them to understand where I was coming from, how the women I worked with would be very hurt by their comments, and that all bodies are divine and worthy of praise and self-love! And then I learned: it was a waste of my precious time.
I gathered with other body love activists in my town, specifically my beloved Jes of The Militant Baker, talking at length about how to do our body love feminist work and not feel defeated and broken from Internet unkindness.

This is what I have learned and practice daily:
1. Don’t read the comments on published articles about your work.
The energy wasted replying to trolls and unkindness only takes away enthusiasm needed to serve YOU and hundreds of thousands of women for whom we are facilitating empowerment! We MUST use our energy wisely in our busy lives, and we MUST choose to give our attention to those who support, understand, or have legitimate and respectful disagreements that can help us grow in our compassion.
I do read most of the comments on my FB and Instagram account, because my assistant and I have successfully banned most of the unkindness, and are left with positivity and mindful critiques from our followers. It’s amazing.

jade beall

2. Embrace being a feminist. It is a word that has been historically labeled as bad. It’s not.
When I started A Beautiful Body Project, people began praising me for my “feminist work.” I would quickly dismiss the words and reply that I was not a feminist, just a woman wanting to change the way our culture perceived what is beautiful and empower women to feel freedom from shame around their precious, perfect and divine bodies.
And then I realized: that’s feminist work! Many of us associate being a feminist with having an angry, hardened passion. It doesn’t have to mean that. Doing feminist work is incredibly positive and is a global NEED. Feminism raises a hand every single second of every Earth rotation: women seeking to feel seen and understood and worthy. It is simply standing up as a compassionate and determined tribe to all of those who have been telling us that we are not enough and that we must change to be perfect and whole, and it’s simply practicing BELIEVING (fake it until you make it) that we are enough, and that our sisters are enough, and that we have a right to exist exactly the way we are, right now.

3. Practice self-care.
Do things that bring you happiness. I dance every Friday night to live drums, with a wild group of gorgeous women, and I call it my medicine. I take long walks in nature with my son and turn off my phone for days. Taking breaks from being world-changers so that we can return refreshed and nourished is a MUST.

4. Surround yourself with people who understand your work.
Being a part of a tribe is so deeply important. For me, it’s my weekly dance class; it’s spending quality time with my son and his dad, who is my best friend. It’s having talks about art with my love. Being around those who understand how hard it is to put ourselves out there is incredibly healing. My friendships changed since I started this work; I had to find freedom from many “devil’s advocates” and locate those who saw the worth of my work and took me in their arms when I was weary and tired of standing up to the bullies. Sometimes those closest to us will not understand what we do. With time, some of them begin to understand — and it is ultimately up to us to pick the people we’ll spend our time with. Choose those who hold you and love you, those who will give you a safe space when you cry and listen to you when you sing!

5. Never give up.
The world needs all of us practicing kindness and believing in the deep need for global feminism. It’s often hard, and yet, if we focus our attention on those who are mindful with their comments and those who wish to have respectful dialogue; if we embrace being women’s advocates; if we practice wholehearted self-care and surround ourselves with those who “get it,” our work will be more successful, more kind, more expansive and ultimately more suitable so that we ALL can be the change we wish to see in the world.

jade beall

Jade Beall is co-founder of A Beautiful Body Project. Read more about the project here.
Source:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jade-beall/5-ways-to-be-a-body-love-activist-and-not-let-the-trolls-get-you-down_b_7570622.html

The Power of Vulnerability: 10 Life Lessons

imagesUp until the last few years, I had rejected the idea of allowing myself to be vulnerable, if even on a subconscious and cellular level.

From a young age, I had managed to push down any vulnerability or sensitivity I had in me for my own psychic survival. Looking back I realize that I suffered from some deep emotional wounds, wounds that I wouldn’t or couldn’t acknowledge. Was it because I was strong? Was it because I was stubborn? Perhaps I was both. The truth was, I no longer knew.  Somewhere along the road to survival, the difference between the two had begun to blur.
I refused to be hurt. I refused it with such a vengeance; I probably hurt myself more in the process. I spent what felt like an eternity building emotional brick walls in hopes that they would protect my heart. Yes, I had it all figured out. Through the cunning and creative placement of walls, I would never have to feel pain again. Absence of pain equaled happiness.
You can imagine this was the start of a long, frustrating, and disappointing journey which ultimately landed me into one of the most painful life situations ever. There’s nothing like a near death experience, or three, to slow you down. On my path to healing, I came across this river of emotions flowing through me. Further along on the path, I found a wall I had built—a dam to the river. It was now an ocean, and I didn’t know how to swim, literally and figuratively. I went out in search of tools to help me take this wall down without causing further damage to my body or psyche.

It wasn’t long before I realized just how sensitive I really was. This sensitivity, or vulnerability, that I had denied myself all these years was now coming back to haunt me in the form of physical illness and anxiety disorder. As I allowed this side of me to emerge, it turns out that there was no way to avoid the pain associated with it.  I felt so much! It overwhelmed me at times; the emotions and feelings were like a rush. Feeling like I had finally taken my first deep breath, I exhaled and thought “Damn! This stinks!”  “This” referring to everything I found myself to be doing at the time.
All of a sudden I was unhappy with my line of work. Many of my relationships and friendships were beginning to feel less satisfying. This feeling of discontent followed me around all day. In short, I was depressed. I also had no idea how I was supposed to go about changing everything in my life, but I knew that there had to be changes.  I also knew, though, that my life at that time was a house of cards, every card depended on the other. Taking away any one card would bring the whole house down.
And so it was. My house of cards and all my walls came crashing down and I had to start over. Just as I would catch myself starting to build up my house of cards again, I’d stop.

 I’d remind myself of some of the lessons I have learned on this journey:
  1.  Honor yourself first and above all. You are no good to anyone if you are no good to yourself.
  2. You are the reason why you are not happy with your life. Period. Your life is based on a series of your own choices, no one else’s. You are not a victim; you are an empowered creator.
  3. The definition of insanity is “doing the same thing, over and over and expecting a different outcome.” If you want your life to be different, make different choices.
  4.  If you want to attract “better things” into your life, work on becoming a better person. You attract what you are.
  5.  There is a delicate balance to the Universe. It always provides everything you need. Note that “need” and “want” are two very different things.ver
  6.  Be kind, but don’t be a pushover. If it doesn’t feel true for you, chances are, it’s not. Then refer to lesson #1.
  7. Your body is your vessel and a gift; it doesn’t deserve your abuse. There is a fine line between indulging a desire, and depending on it.
  8. Forgive, forgive, forgive, but don’t forget. Start with yourself first.
  9. Choose friends who share your enthusiasm for life and appreciate your strengths and weaknesses.Which brings me to one of my most important lessons…
  10. Our strength lies in our vulnerability and our willingness to keep our hearts open in spite of all the painful blows that life throws at us. By allowing your heart to remain open you will not only learn faster and heal faster, but all those delicate and beautiful parts of yourself will begin to flourish.

shoe-Act-of-kindness-600x404Sensitivity is not a weakness. It could perhaps be your greatest unrealized strength. In my case, allowing myself to be vulnerable and honoring my sensitivity allowed me to start coming out of hibernation.
“You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book… or you take a trip, or you talk with Richard, and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death.”~ Anais Nin
Live life fully, in all its joy, in all its pain and in all its glory.

Source: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/03/the-power-of-vulnerability-10-life-lessons/

Learn to be “Masters of Love”

kindnessDear Friends,
the other day I was send this article, which I absolutely fell in love with. I do not know the source of the piece and therefore have to apologize to the author -as I can not post the reference and give credit where it belongs!! Never less the work is to beautiful not to be shared!!
I am familiar with the studies John Gottman started in the 70th and therefore found it interesting to see the authors approach. Personally I believe that we are growing up as spiritual beings and, that this includes taking full responsibility for our feelings. I think that everybody has the responsibility to heal the pain of the inner child, the pain body or lower self, how ever you want to call it, to become a productive part of a oneness society. And I think that kindness and presence with the other, are crucial for every relationship, if you are aiming for a long-term engagement.
Very interested to hear what you are thinking!!!
Enjoy the read! Love and Kindness!
Edith

shoe-Act-of-kindness-600x404

According to science, lasting relationships come down to – kindness and generosity.
Every year in June, the most popular wedding month of all, thousands of couples say “I do,” committing to a lifelong relationship that will be full of friendship, joy, and love. Feelings that will carry them forward to their final days of life on planet earth. Except, of course, it doesn’t work out that way for most people. The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction. The statistics state, that of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages.
In the 1970s, social scientists first started studying marriages by observing them in action. This happened as there response to a crisis, triggered by a constantly ingresing divorce rate. Worried about the impact these divorces would have on the children of the ended marriages, psychologists decided to determine what the ingredients of a healthy, lasting relationship are. Is each unhappy family unhappy in its own or did the miserable marriages share something in common? Is there a  toxic similarity?

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John Gottman began gathering his most critical findings in 1986, when he set up “The Love Lab” with his colleague Robert Levenson at the University of Washington. Gottman and Levenson brought newlyweds into the lab and watched them interact with each other. With a team of researchers, they hooked the couples up to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship, like how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory they had. As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects’ blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couples home and followed up with them six years later to see if they were still together.
From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages. When the researchers analyzed the data they gathered on the couples, they saw clear differences between the masters and disasters. The disasters looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast. Following thousands of couples longitudinally, Gottman found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.

But what does physiology have to do with anything? The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal—of being in fight-or-flight mode—in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger. Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other. For example, each member of a couple could be talking about how their days had gone, and a highly aroused husband might say to his wife, “Why don’t you start talking about your day. It won’t take you very long.”
The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.

imagesRELATED STORY
Stressful Relationships vs. Isolation: The Battle for Our Lives
Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it. In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat. He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. And Gottman made a critical discovery in this study—one that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish.
Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”
These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

5.acts-without-thinking-kindness-picture-quotesBy observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples—straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not—will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?
“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.” Contempt is the number one factor that tears couples apart. “It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”
Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there. People who give their partner the cold shoulder—deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally—damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner’s ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.
Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. “My bounty is as boundless as the sea,” says Shakespeare’s Juliet. “My love as deep; the more I give to thee, / The more I have, for both are infinite.” That’s how kindness works too: there’s a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.

 

kibnThere are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.
The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.
“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.” John Gottman elaborated on those spears: “Disasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say ‘You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.’ Masters will say ‘I feel bad for picking on you about your lateness, and I know it’s not your fault, but it’s really annoying that you’re late again.’”
“If your partner expresses a need,” explained Julie Gottman, “and you are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.” In that moment, the easy response may be to turn away from your partner and focus on your iPad or your book or the television, to mumble “Uh huh” and move on with your life, but neglecting small moments of emotional connection will slowly wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.

 

loving-kindnessFor the hundreds of thousands of couples getting married this month—and for the millions of couples currently together, married or not—the lesson from the research is clear: If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often. Active constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. In the 2006 study, Gable and her colleagues followed up with the couples two months later to see if they were still together. The psychologists found that the only difference between the couples who were together and those who broke up was active constructive responding. Those who showed genuine interest in their partner’s joys were more likely to be together. In an earlier study, Gable found that active constructive responding was also associated with higher relationship quality and more intimacy between partners.
There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up—with children, career, friend, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for romance and intimacy—couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart. In most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.