Manifesting Our Dream Relationship With The Sagittarius New Moon Influence

sagiby Edith Boyer-Telmer

Dear Friends,
on October 30th we have experienced a beautiful Scorpio New Moon, which opened the cycle that is closing with this upcoming Sagittarius New Moon on November 29th. The archer, as the sign is often called, is an adventurous fire sign with an impeccable eye for every goal we are setting. With this New Moon comes the challenging impact of the Sun and the Moon squaring Neptune, and Venus in square with Uranus; which are impacts that can create instability and lack of clarity of the mind.
But the influence we will feel the strongest at this Moon event will be the energy field of the Asteroid Juno, which brings forward our love relationships. The good, the bad and the ugly is in the spotlight of the center stage during this Sagittarius New Moon. Long settled relationships can suddenly find their end, just as much as new encounter can emerge in total authenticity. “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~Howard Thurman

So take the chance for something very special in your life, if that is what your heart and soul desire. Use the energy field to bring into the world, your most personal expression of true love in relationship. The Ascended Master Confucius, the master of humaneness said: “If there is righteousness in the heart, there will be beauty in the character. If there is beauty in the character, there will be harmony in the home. If there is harmony in the home, there will be order in the nations.
When there is order in the nations, there will be peace in the world.” For me personally, that sounds like a good base for our new relationship paradigm in action.

Here are some tips how to use your inner clarity to attract what is authentic for you:
1. Make sure you know your own needs:

A wonderful way to attract the person you need as partner, is to be aware of who and how you truly are in love-relationships. Ask yourself what you really desire from a partner. What it is you want to share with this other person in your life!
If you are not quite sure, a first step could be a clarifying meditation. Take some time to write down memories of former relationships. Memories of situations you don’t want to repeat ever again. Memories of human traits and expressions, you are not comfortable living with. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions and irritations relate, without letting them overwhelm you. Than put the list away for 3 days.

2. Look at your needs from a rational, not emotional point:
When 3 days have past, pick up your list and look, plainly from a rational point of view, at the people you chose for this past relationships. Try to be as honest as possible to yourself, even if it hurts! Look at their character, their lifestyle, their dreams, the relationship they have with their core family. Is there a pattern emerging?
The thing is, we can easily feel chemistry with people who are not good for us, and often we tend to do so. If you get lost in feelings of lust, power or other charismatic attraction, you can easily end up in a toxic relationship. So in future ask yourself if the person you are interested in, has what it takes to truly be a good relationship partner for you.23. Learn to meet your own needs:
Allow your partner to be “the most wonderful”, who is able to meet all your needs and – never depend on the other for self-care and emotional balance. It is simple not your partners job to be there for you all the time, it is yours!!
Taking self-responsibility for our authentic needs, leads to self-empowerment, better self-worth and self-respect, and that leads to more harmonic relationships. As result you will also feel more confident to pick a partner who is right for you!

4. Be aware of your boundaries and hold these space for yourself:
Being honest to ourselves about our boundaries and limitations is absolute essential for a undisturbed energy flow in all human relationships. Every minute you spend in company, you teach people how to treat you. You are consistently sending out information to others about how you want to be treated. Knowing that, you can imagine that inner clarity about your personal “rights and wrongs” is an excellent way to attract a fitting relationship partner.

5. Know how to enjoy yourself alone:
For many people it is a desire to be in a love-relationship, to share experiences together and create new dreams. It can be hard and painful for people to be alone, after all as human beings we are naturally built to be love and bond with others.
Problem is, the “fear of being alone” – is the most common reason people stay in dysfunctional relationships. So do things alone, hang out with yourself and learn to truly enjoy your own company.

6. Be who you are looking for:
We live in a universe that works by the law of attraction!! What we desire in our world, we have to become first! Easy as that! How could you possible go out there and ask the divine forces for an honest, authentic and loyal partner, when you are an unauthentic lair, who usually betrays there partner within the first week!??
Instead bit by bit, you have to take on the list of abilities you are looking for in others.
To choose healthy partner and create better relationships, we must have integrity and keep our promises. We need to be authentic in word, deed and action. Be available! Be Present! Make time for each other and you will see, that love will flow!11Dear Ones, I hope you are fully motivated now, to manifest your true soul partner under the influence of this magical Sagittarius New Moon. I hope you feel worthy to call to your side, a person you want to share the Golden Age of Aquarius with. Do it from the clarity of your souls burning desire and the passion of your heart, and you can’t fail.
Blessings & Loving Relationships!!!
Edith

If you enjoy my posts, please sign up for my daily newsletter, JUST CLICK HERE & enter your e-mail. Please also like New Beginnings Guatemala on Facebook, and keep up the good work spreading the word ;-)! Feel INVITED to share this post also on your website or social media, just keep the links and credit active PLEASE! THANKS!

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Supporting Our Children To Develop Faith For Their Life Path

sDear Friends,
over the last two days I shared in the posts “planting a seed of meditation and inner communion in our children” and “introducing our children to authentic spiritual expression“, steps how to talk to the next generation about prayer, meditation and developing an internal connection to the higher self. Today we are talking about purity to our path and acting on the guidelines we share.
I hope this trilogy of expects has provided lots of loving guidance, valuable insides and helpful tools for you. May they serve you well in your attempt to support your children on their path of developing a spiritual practice for themselves.
Love and Blessings!

Edith

A personal message to all my facebook friends!! FB is limiting the distribution of my posts daily more. If you resonate with my articles and are used to find my work  shared in a group, rather sign up on my newsletter here to make sure you get the information!!! Over time I might not be able to put in the FB time, if it does not lead to what it is about – SPREADING THE WORD ;-)!

Teaching our children and teenagers to perform obligatory prayers, is a delicate and often stressful matter for families. What is the divine guidance on the matter? When and how is it best done? Parenting expert Hina Khan-Mukhtar sheds some light.

6) “Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.” – Rumi
For some kids, positive sensory associations are very important in creating an attachment to prayer. From a young age, my boys have taken great pride in dressing up for Jumah (Friday) prayers in their best clothes, wearing their best perfume and their best kufis (prayer hats). We always set out their most special clothes for the most special of days, and they feel noble and dignified as they wash and dress for going to the mosque on Friday afternoons. I know of one mom who created a magical “prayer corner” in her daughter’s bedroom, complete with a lace canopy that cascaded down over an intricately embroidered prayer mat and an ornate table that held a beautifully designed Quran and crystal prayer beads. Other parents regularly light sweetly scented incense or candles during prayer time in the home. One mother used to wear a silk prayer gown stamped with gold and silver block print for her night prayers; her children sometimes have compared her to a princess, other times to an angel. These are examples of kids who saw, heard, smelled, and tasted nothing but beauty and elegance when it came to prayer in their homes.l7) Aspire to be what you want them to be.
No one recognizes hypocrisy quicker than a child. The truth of the matter is that you can encourage and teach a child to pray all you want, but if you’re not going to pray, the chances are highly likely that he/she’s not going to pray either. And letting a child witness that you pray isn’t always enough either. What about how you pray? Are you rushed and distracted? Are you nonchalant if you miss the prayer? I know of an adult who remembers his own father weeping when he once missed a prayer, and that reaction made more of an impression on him about the importance of prayer than all the lectures in the world ever could.

In conclusion, I feel it’s important to confess how emotionally difficult it was for me to actually write this article. I’ve been analyzing what my hesitation was, and I realize that it was rooted in the fear that my words will come across as preachy and imbued with a sense of self-satisfaction when nothing could be farther from the truth. Another part of me worries that I will somehow jinx my family by admitting to the world that my husband and kids are regular with their prayers. I remember when I had my first son in 1997, how desperate I was to find any kind of reading material that would help motivate and guide me in teaching him the fundamentals of this beautiful tradition.

Source: Seekershub.org

If you enjoy my posts, please sign up for my daily newsletter, JUST CLICK HERE & enter your e-mail. Please also like New Beginnings Guatemala on Facebook, and keep up the good work spreading the word ;-)! Feel INVITED to share this post also on your website or social media, just keep the links and credit active PLEASE! THANKS!

Introducing Our Children To Authentic Spiritual Expression

aDear Friends,
in yesterdays post about “planting a seed of meditation and inner communion in our children“, we received first insides how to help our children cultivate an inner relationship with their higher self. Today we learn how to put meaning and mindfulness into the process of daily practice. And please remember how easy it is to turn everyday life activities into meditation by adding mindful awareness to them!! Enjoy the insides and tips!
Blessings and lots of success!
Edith

A personal message to all my facebook friends!! FB is limiting the distribution of my posts daily more. If you resonate with my articles and are used to find my work  shared in a group, rather sign up on my newsletter here to make sure you get the information!!! Over time I might not be able to put in the FB time, if it does not lead to what it is about – SPREADING THE WORD ;-)!

Teaching our children and teenagers to perform obligatory prayers, is a delicate and often stressful matter for families. What is the divine guidance on the matter? When and how is it best done? Parenting expert Hina Khan-Mukhtar sheds some light.

3) “If it was good enough for the Prophet, it’s good enough for me.”
When I asked Shaan why he is committed to his prayers, he said, “It was the last thing the Prophet (salallaahu alaihi wasallam) told us to hold onto; he was talking about it right up until the point he passed away. How can we ignore that? How important must prayer be if he (peace be upon him) was reminding us about it even with his last breaths?” They learned that missing a prayer just isn’t an option for anyone who has taqwa (God-consciousness).

4) Teach them what they’re saying, what they’re doing, and why.
Prayer should not be allowed to become a series of robotic yoga-like motions devoid of meaning or purpose. Zeeshan and I have been forthright with our kids and confessed to them that there will be times when prayer might feel like an inconvenient, rote duty that just needs to be discharged — and they may find themselves feeling disillusioned and disheartened when those thoughts come to them — but, nevertheless, the prayer is never to be abandoned.
We have made sure to make it clear to the kids, however, that God is not in any need of our prayers or our praise or our prostrations; on the contrary, it is we who are in need of Him. We have also emphasized that none of us should ever feel self-righteous or holier-than-thou about the fact that we are choosing to pray when others are not. “We need prayer; it’s like taking medicine that the Doctor prescribes,” I tell the boys. “Would any of us go around bragging about taking meds or look down on others because they aren’t taking the prescription that we’ve chosen to take for our own health?”Ados-pour-HAWe all know that you are only as good as the company you keep, and being in an environment where prayer is as natural as eating or drinking just helps create a new type of “normal” for the kids. My boys have grown up seeing not only their parents and their friends praying in congregation but seeing their parents’ friends and friends’ parents giving significance to prayer.

Teaching our children about the Isra and Mi’raj (Night Journey and Ascension) has been instrumental in getting them to understand how the prayer was revealed and what the different parts of the prayer mean to us on a spiritual level. The position of ruku (bowing) is compared to the way one would bow in front of a king. In the humbling position of sajdah (prostration), we point out how that is the only position in which the human heart is elevated over the human brain. It is the heart that truly knows God; it is the heart that truly recognizes Him.” The prayer will suddenly have relevance for them.

Finally, it’s really important to talk to the kids about intention. One of my favorite quotes that I like to share with the boys is a comparison of worshipers of three types — the first is the worshiper who worships out of desire for Heaven (he is like the businessman looking only for a profit); the second is the worshiper who worships out of fear of the Hell-fire (he is like the slave who wants only to avoid punishment); and the third is the worshiper who worships out of gratitude because he recognizes that Allah is worthy of worship (he is the truly free man).
“Which one are you?” we ask our sons…and then we leave them to reflect.
And we reflect on ourselves as well.

5) Set them up for success.
We recently invested quite a bit of money in some high quality khuffs (waterproof socks) for him so that he wouldn’t have to deal with the inconvenience of having to stick his foot in the sink while making wudu in the boys’ restroom at his high school. He can just wipe over his khuffs during school hours now. On Shaan’s first day as a freshman, his father and I helped him come up with talking points so that he could approach the principal with confidence when he requested a private space for prayer; we promised to have his back if he ran into any resistance.
Our “support” turned out to be unnecessary however. It’s been three years now, alhamdulillah, and the high school front office staff knows Shaan really well — he’s the kid who comes in every day during lunch to go to the conference room to pray.imagesWhile all of these gadgets and gizmos may be great to have around for convenience’s sake, the kids understand that they will have to make do for prayer — one way or the other — whether they have their prayer packs on hand or not. “Guard your prayer” is the mantra in our home.

Source: Seekershub.org

If you enjoy my posts, please sign up for my daily newsletter, JUST CLICK HERE & enter your e-mail. Please also like New Beginnings Guatemala on Facebook, and keep up the good work spreading the word ;-)! Feel INVITED to share this post also on your website or social media, just keep the links and credit active PLEASE! THANKS!

Planting A Seeds Of Meditation And Inner Communion In Our Children

eliminate-violenceDear Friends,
in my post of the last year, I have mentioned again and again the importance of the practice of prayer and meditation, as tools to enter a space of inner communion with the higher self. I shared how easy it is to turn everyday life activities into meditation by adding mindful awareness to them; posted a study from the University of Harvard on the impact of meditation on the brain; let you know about the success Schools in San Francisco have by adding meditation to their curriculum; and most importantly, I shared how it is even scientifically proofed that group meditation can change the energetic field of the entire world. And of course in many of my pieces I mentioned the effectiveness of prayer to the energies of the Ascended Master Realms.
Nearly a year ago I ran into this wonderful article describing how to pass on a sense for cultivating commitment and bliss in our daily practice of prayer. While reading the piece I realized, that the author speaks with such a beautifully open heart and from such deep insides into human nature, that sharing her piece is of big value for many. The article is a very long one, that is why I choose to only use excepts and share the knowledge in a trilogy starting today! The guidance was originally written for Muslim parents looking for a way to introduce their kids to the intense commitment of five prayers the day, but they are just as valuable for every parent looking to give their children a feeling for meditation and a mindful lifestyle. I hope you enjoy her wonderful insides just as much as I did, and find profound guidance in her words.
Tomorrows post will be the second part, watch out for it!!
Love and Blessed Communions!
Edith

A personal message to all my facebook friends!! FB is limiting the distribution of my posts daily more. If you resonate with my articles and are used to find my work  shared in a group, rather sign up on my newsletter here to make sure you get the information!!! Over time I might not be able to put in the FB time, if it does not lead to what it is about – SPREADING THE WORD ;-)!

Teaching our children and teenagers to perform obligatory prayers, is a delicate and often stressful matter for families. What is the divine guidance on the matter? When and how is it best done? Parenting expert Hina Khan-Mukhtar sheds some light.

“How the heck do you get a teenage boy in public high school to care about not missing his prayer?”
It is a question that I’ve been asked more than once, and there has never been a simple, easy answer to give. The quickest and most honest one is to frankly admit that all guidance is a blessing and a mercy from God and none of us are in any real control of what our children choose to take — and not take — from our teachings.
But let’s face it — we all know that’s not what parents want to hear (even if they know it’s the truth). Parents are looking for tips and advice, some kind of handbook to follow, a checklist of do’s and don’ts. For the purposes of this article, I did sit down and reflect on what has brought us to where we are now after almost 18 years of raising sons, alhamdulillah (praise be to God). I write this article with the full knowledge that we are no experts; we are no authority figures; we are no success stories. We just happen to be parents who for whatever reason are blessed with children who choose to pray…for now.MeditatingI asked my kids what they think has helped make prayer a priority for them in their lives, and I informally interviewed some friends to get their insights as well. Here’s what has worked for our families so far, and we hope that our experiences may help others in turn, insha’Allah (God willing)…

1) For God’s sake (literally), leave those kids alone for the first 7 years!
You shouldn’t have any real expectations of them until after they are 7 years old. I still remember how I cringed when I once saw a well-meaning father pretty much forcing his 6-year-old daughter to join the congregational prayer. She kept running off, and he kept bringing her back, insisting that she fold her hands and stand silently by his side as he recited the Quranic verses aloud. His intentions were noble and sincere, no doubt, but the execution left much to be desired. It was painful to watch, and I remember hoping that his plans weren’t going to backfire on him one day. Another time, I heard a mother tell her son that “Allah will be mad at you if you don’t pray; the angels are writing down that you’re being a bad boy”, and it took all my willpower not to cry out loud, “Stop! Please don’t say that to your 5-year-old!”
What baffles most adults is trying to figure out how they are supposed to take the spiritual souls that have been placed under their care and then successfully prepare them for the lifelong duty of praying five times a day once their physical bodies have attained puberty.

In the early years, children should be allowed to join and leave the prayer at will, letting themselves get acclimated to the motions and the sensations of the ritual prayer at their own pace. Praying with the family should be an enjoyable experience — one that kids can partake in (or not) as much as they desire. Their association with prayer should be one of sweetness. I know one father who has all of his children share their duas (supplications) aloud one by one after the prayer is over so that everyone can join together in asking Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) to grant their siblings’ wishes. Once the duas are over, the kids often dissolve into tickling and wrestling matches while the father finishes up his supererogatory prayers on his own.

2) When the time for praying finally comes, go all out and make the initiation into prayer a celebration to remember! Treat it like an exciting honor, a real rite of passage.
When each of my boys turned 7 years old, I bought them beautiful journals which I gave to my friends and family to fill with inspiring messages about prayer. My parents and my in-laws each wrote messages to their grandsons, sharing their hopes and wishes for their futures with them. Older cousins wrote about how prayer helps them in good times and in bad; aunties and uncles gave advice on what helps them get through “prayer slumps” which — if we are truly honest — are bound to come in one’s life at some point or another. The general theme was one of encouragement and excitement. It’s been almost 10 years since I put together those gifts for my older two sons, and even now, I will sometimes catch them perusing their Prayer Books with smiles on their faces as they read the heartfelt messages to themselves.eZeeshan and I have found that slow and steady wins the race. When each of our sons turned 7 years old, we allowed them to choose one prayer that they wanted to take on as their daily commitment. The understanding was that — no matter what — the one prayer would never be neglected from that day (i.e. their 7th birthday) forward. If the boys wanted to pray any of the other prayers, that was all well and good, but it was their choice and we made it clear that we would not be monitoring them or holding them accountable.
Whether they were at a play date or in the middle of a shopping mall or at a swimming lesson, if the time for their prayer came in, they made sure to take a few minutes to complete it.We continued this routine for twelve months. When a year of praying one prayer on time had finally passed by successfully, we told the boys that they were now “qualified” to take on a second prayer. We treated it like an honor that only the most responsible could be trusted to handle! We told them that we were trying to teach them how to honor commitments, we knew that it took practice and discipline to do so, and we accepted that it was our job to slowly but surely teach them those tools for success. Using this method, all three of our boys were praying all five of their daily prayers by the time they were 9 1/2 years old, alhamdulillah. By age 10, prayer was an established routine.

During the course of writing this article, I asked my almost-16-year-old son Ameen why he prays all of his prayers on time, and he responded, “I don’t remember ever not praying, so I can’t imagine not doing it now. It’s a part of who I am.” My most fervent prayer is that he always feels that way. I am no fool; I know prayer is a gift and, if not treated with gratitude and humility, it can be lost at any moment. May Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) protect us from ever experiencing such a devastating void in our lives. Aameen. (Amen.)

Source: Seekershub.org

If you enjoy my posts, please sign up for my daily newsletter, JUST CLICK HERE & enter your e-mail. Please also like New Beginnings Guatemala on Facebook, and keep up the good work spreading the word ;-)! Feel INVITED to share this post also on your website or social media, just keep the links and credit active PLEASE! THANKS!

How To Attract A Relationship Partner For The Golden Age – Thru Inner Clarity

bjl;by Edith Boyer-Telmer

Dear Friends,
as we all can feel, we are in the middle of shifting the collective paradigm in our human sexuality. Over the last few month I talked about the profound inner transformation so many of us can already feel. I shared information on Polyamory, on a Shamanic approach of Tantra, the fact how deeply confused so many of us feel about the missus of sexual energy in everyday life and what to be aware of to identify a spiritual sexual predator. Taking in account all this information and evaluating it with where we are standing in our life, creates the clarity it takes to attract by SIMPLY BEING, the right partner/s for our Golden Age manifestations.

A personal message to all my facebook friends!! FB is limiting the distribution of my articles. In case this restrictions keep going, only a very small amount of people on FB will be able to see my posts!! If you enjoy my work and are used to find my articles shared in a group, please sign up on my newsletter here. Just type in your e-mail address in the prepared field!!  Over time I will not be able to invest the FB time, if it does not lead to what it is about – SPREADING THE WORD ;-)!!

Here some tips how to prepare yourself for making  a healthy choice next time:
1. Make sure you know your own needs:

The best way to attract the person you need as partner, is to be aware of who and how you truly are in love-relationships. Ask yourself what you really desire from a partner. What it is you want to share with this other person in your life!
If you are not quite sure, a first step could be a clarifying meditation. Take some time to write down memories of former relationships. Memories of situations you don’t want to repeat ever again. Memories of human traits and expressions, you are not comfortable living with. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions and irritations relate, without letting them overwhelm you. Than put the list away for 3 days.53c2. Look at your needs from a rational, not emotional point:
When 3 days have past, pick up your list and look from a rational point of view at the people you chose for this past relationships. Try to be as honest as possible to yourself, even if it hurts! Look at their character, their lifestyle, their dreams, the relationship they have with their core family. Is there a pattern emerging?
The thing is, we can easily feel chemistry with people who are not good for us, and often we tend to do so. If you get lost in feelings of lust, power or other charismatic attraction, you can easily end up in a toxic relationship. So in future ask yourself if the person you are interested in, has what it takes to truly be a good relationship partner for you.

3. Learn to meet your own needs:
Allow your partner to be “the most wonderful”, who is able to meet all your needs and – never depend on the other for self-care and emotional balance. It is simple not your partners job to be there for you all the time, it is yours!! If you choose personal responsibility in the areas of inner peace, emotional balance, your career, debts, taking care of your health etc.. , you will experience a new breeze of relaxation in your relationships.
Do so, and you will also feel more confident to pick a partner who is right for you! Taking self-responsibility for our authentic needs, leads to self-empowerment, better self-worth and self-respect, and that leads to more harmonic relationships.

4. Be aware of your boundaries and hold these space for yourself:
Being honest to ourselves about our boundaries and limitations is absolute essential for a undisturbed energy flow in all human relationships. Every minute you spend in company, you teach people how to treat you. You are consistently sending out information to others, about how you want to be treated. What is within your boundaries and what is a deal-breaker for you.
You communicate to others your core values about things like honesty, respect, reliability, sharing, what you need as personal space, your alone time, or how much physical affection and romance you need. Knowing that, you can imagine that inner clarity about your personal “rights and wrongs” is an excellent way to attract a fitting relationship partner.asa5. Know how to enjoy yourself alone:
For most people it is simple wonderful to be able to hang out with other human beings, share experiences together and create new dreams. It can be hard and painful for people, to be alone, as human beings are naturally built to be in love and bonded with another.
Problem is, the “fear of being alone” – is the most common reason people stay in dysfunctional relationships. So do things alone, hang out with yourself and learn to truly enjoy your own company. Know, that before you can have a successful and fulfilling relationship with another, you have to develop a solid relationship with yourself.

6. Be who you are looking for:
We live in a universe that works by the law of attraction!! What we desire in our world, we have to become first! Easy as that! How could you possible go out there and ask the divine forces for an honest, authentic and loyal partner, when you are an unauthentic lair, who usually betrays there partner within the week!??
Instead bit by bit, you have to become the list of what you are looking for in others.
To choose healthy partner and create better relationships, we must have integrity and keep our promises. We need to be authentic in word, deed and action. Be truly present with your partner! Be available! Make time for each other and you will see, the love will flow!

Dear Ones, I hope you are fully motivated now, to manifest your true soul partner. A person you can share the Golden Age of Aquarius with. Do it from the clarity of your souls guidance and the passion of your heart, and you can’t fail, if this is what you truly desire to experience in this world!!
Blessings & Loving Relationships!!!
Edith

If you enjoy my posts and desire to sign up for the daily newsletter, you find a button on the right bar of my page. Please also like New Beginnings Guatemala on Facebook, and keep up the good work spreading the word ;-)! Feel INVITED to share this post also on your website or social media, just keep the links and credit active PLEASE! THANKS!

Clarity Attracts!! How To Choose The Right Relationship Partner

indexby Edith Boyer-Telmer

Dear Friends,
finding a person to truly co-create a healthy relationship with, is not always easy. Many people do not put enough effort energy or patience into their partnership, to really deeply engage with somebody. At the same time it is natural for humans to desire relations. Nerveless not all of them are good for us, and it is on us to learn how to choose wisely!
In order to
long-term be inspiring and up-lifting for another, couples have to experience each other as equals, show mutual respect for each others needs, and understanding for differentiating personality traits.
Often when people realize that they are not in a satisfying relationship, they look for someone to blame or make efforts to change their partner. A more truthful way is to acknowledge, the relationship is dysfunctional toxic and has to end.
Here some tips how to prepare yourself to make a better choice next time!!

1. Make sure you know your own needs:

The best way to attract the person you need as partner, is to be aware of who and how you truly are in love-relationships. Ask yourself what you really desire from a partner. What it is you want to share with this other person in your life!
If you are not quite sure, a first step could be a clarifying meditation. Take some time to write down memories of former relationships. Memories of situations you don’t want to repeat ever again. Memories of human traits and expressions, you are not comfortable living with. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions and irritations relate, without letting them overwhelm you. Than put the list away for 3 days.

2. Look at your needs from a rational, not emotional point:

When 3 days have past, pick up your list and look from a rational point of few at the people you chose for this past relationships. Try to be as honest as possible to yourself, even if it hurts! Look at their character, their lifestyle, their dreams, the relationship they have with their core family. Is there a pattern emerging?
The thing is, we can easily feel chemistry with people who are not good for us, and often we tend to do so. If you get lost in feelings of lust, power or other charismatic attraction, you can easily end up in a toxic relationship.
So in future ask yourself if the person you are interested in, has what it takes to truly be a good relationship partner for you.

READING, UNITED KINGDOM - AUGUST 23: Imagine Dragons perform on the main stage on day two of the Reading Festival 2014 on August 23, 2014 in Reading, England. PHOTOGRAPH BY Dean Fardell / Barcroft Media UK Office, London. T +44 845 370 2233 W www.barcroftmedia.com USA Office, New York City. T +1 212 796 2458 W www.barcroftusa.com Indian Office, Delhi. T +91 11 4053 2429 W www.barcroftindia.com

3. Learn to meet your own needs:

Allow your partner to be “the most wonderful”, who is able to meet all your needs and – never depend on the other for self-care and emotional balance. It is simple not your partners job to be there for you all the time, it is yours!! If you choose personal responsibility in the areas of inner peace, emotional balance, your career, debts, taking care of your health etc.. , you will experience a new breeze of relaxation in your relationships.
Do so, and you will also feel more confident to pick a partner who is right for you! Taking self-responsibility for our authentic needs, leads to self-empowerment, better self-worth and self-respect, and that leads to more harmonic relationships.

4. Be aware of your boundaries and hold these space for yourself:

Being honest to ourselves about our boundaries and limitations is absolute essential for a undisturbed energy flow in all human relationships. Every minute you spend in company, you teach people how to treat you. You are consistently sending out information to others, about how you want to be treated. What is within your boundaries and what is a deal-breaker for you.
You communicate to others your core values about things like honesty, respect, reliability, sharing, what you need as personal space, your alone time, or how much physical affection and romance you need. Knowing that, you can imagine that inner clarity about your personal “rights and wrongs” is an excellent way to attract a fitting relationship partner.

alle seiten gewesen!5. Know how to enjoy yourself alone:

For most people it is simple wonderful to be able to hang out with other human beings, share experiences together and create new dreams. It can be hard and painful for people, to be alone, as human beings are naturally built to be in love and bonded with another.
Problem is, the “fear of being alone” – is the most common reason people stay in dysfunctional relationships. So do things alone, hang out with yourself and learn to truly enjoy your own company. Know, that before you can have a successful and fulfilling relationship with another, you have to develop a solid relationship with yourself.

6. Be who you are looking for:

We live in a universe that works by the law of attraction!! What we desire in our world, we have to become first! Easy as that! How could you possible go out there and ask the divine forces for an honest, authentic and loyal partner, when you are an unauthentic lair, who usually betrays there partner within the week!??
Instead bit by bit, you have to become the list of what you are looking for in others.
To choose healthy partner and create better relationships, we must have integrity and keep our promises. We need to be authentic in word, deed and action.
Be truly present with your partner! Be available! Make time for each other and you will see, the love will flow!

Hope you found one or the other inspiration in my words and feel entitled and empowered to go out there, and just try it again!! Wish you lasting love, understanding and open sharing space for your future relations!
Love and Blessings!
Edith

Please feel INVITED to share and post this article on your website or social media, just always keep the credit and links working!! THANKS!!

 

Top 7 Tips for How to Be Happy

Dear Friends,

this is an good list that came to me these days to be shared and discussed :-). Some of this tips are rather simple and practical, easy to handle for every person. Others are definitely long term projects, to be started. For sure we need to stay with our eyes on the ball, if we want to create a sustainable happy life. Just like spiritual practice, is the creation of happiness closely connected to discipline (positive thinking and interpreting lifers challenges), perseverance (bringing the divine into human manifestation needs daily reminder of our true origin and inheritance) and relaxation (no emotional change can become clear for you, if you are all the time acting!! the feminine unveils her beauty in inner silence, in gentleness with yourself and when you are listening to your inner voice).
Enjoy the article and when you try the tips, may the forces of love be with you!
Love and Blessings! Edith

Top 7 Tips for How to Be Happy

why are happy people happy, finding happiness, find happiness, happiness tips, happiness quotesFinding Happiness went in search for the answer to the question “why are happy people happy?”

Here are our top tips for how to find true and lasting happiness in daily life:

1.) Let go of negativity.

  • Learn to forgive and forget.

  • See every challenge as an opportunity for further growth.

  • Express gratitude for what you have.

  • Be more optimistic about the future and your ability to accomplish life goals.

  • Open yourself up to success and embrace failures or mistakes that happen along the way.

  • Know that none of us are perfect, we are all here to entertain and be entertained.

  • Don’t worry about the little things. Take plenty of “worry vacations” where you train your mind not to worry for a certain lengths of time.

  • If you want to be more positive, surround yourself with positive energy and people. Nurture the positive relationships that you have, seeking out more of those relationships that help uplift you.

  • Accept and love yourself for the unique gifts and talents that you bring to life. Spend less time trying to please others and spend more time trying to please your higher self.

  • See the humor in life and in our experiences. Take life less seriously and learn to laugh at yourself.

2.) Serve and be kind to others.

  • Treat everyone with kindness. Not only does it help others to feel better, but you will notice that you too feel good after having a positive interaction with others.

  • Speak well of others. When you speak negatively of others you will attract more negativity to yourself, but when you speak positively of others, you will attract more positivity.

  • Truly listen to others. Be present and mindful to what others are really saying when they speak. Support them without bringing yourself into it.

  • Be careful with your words. Speak gentler, kinder, and wiser.

  • Respect others and their free will.

  • Put your trust in others and be trusted in return. Enjoy the sense of community and friendship that comes from this openness and faith in one another.

  • Work as part of a whole. See others as partners in your efforts. Unite your efforts with them to create a synergy more powerful than anything you could do alone.

  • Practice generosity and giving without expecting anything in return. Get involved with service opportunities and offer what you can to a greater cause.

  • Smile more– to family, to co-workers, to neighbors, to strangers– and watch it not only change how you feel but also how they feel too.

descarga3.) Live in the present.

  • Don’t replay negative events or worry about the future.

  • Accept and celebrate impermanence. Be grateful for your life, for each moment of every day. Observe the constant and natural flow of change that surrounds us, and your small yet important part in the natural, divine flow of life.

  • Observe yourself in the moment. Work on your reactions to outer circumstances and learn how to approach life harmoniously.

4.) Choose a healthy lifestyle.

  • Keep a daily routine. Wake up at the same time every morning, preferably early. Setting yourself to a natural biorhythm will make it easier to wake up and feel energized.

  • Get enough sleep. Proper sleep is linked to positive personality characteristics like optimism, improved self-esteem, and even problem solving.

  • Expose yourself to cold temperatures (especially first thing in the morning with perhaps a cold shower). It increases your circulation, helps minimize inflammation in the body, enhances weight loss, and energizes and invigorates you to start your day.

  • Turn off the TV. For every hour of TV you watch, you reduce 22 minutes of your life expectancy.

  • Eat properly. What you eat has a direct effect on your mood and energy levels. Eat plenty of organic, locally grown fruits and vegetables, nuts, whole grains, and dairy products that are both vitamin and mineral infused. Don’t overeat and try to practice healthy self-control.

  • Exercise daily to the point of sweating. It not only helps to purify the body, but also releases endorphins which help to prevent stress, relieve depression, and positively improve your mood.

  • Laugh more. Laughter is the best medicine. Like exercise, it releases endorphins that battle the negative effects of stress and promote a sense of well-being and joy.

  • Practice deep breathing and yoga. The body and mind are connected. Emotions affect the physical systems in the body, and the state of the body also affects the mind. By relaxing and releasing tension through the breath or yoga practice you feel more calm and centered throughout the day.

5.) Take care of your spirit.

  • Strive to always learn new things. Constantly expand your awareness and discover new ways of expressing your divine gifts.

  • Get creative. This will not only challenge you to learn new things, but will also help to keep your mind in a positive place. Practice living in the present moment and being a channel for the divine flow of creativity.

  • Practice meditation. Research has proven that even as little as 10 minutes of meditation a day can lead to physical changes in the brain that improve concentration and focus, calm the nervous system, and help you to become more kind and compassionate, and even more humorous. Then bring the joy and peace you receive from meditation into your daily life and activity.

  • Be honest. Telling the truth keeps you free inside, builds trust in relationships, and improves your will power and the ability to attract success.

  • Surrender to the Universe Divine and allow it to take care of the littlest things in life to the greatest and most important.

descarga (1)6. ) Be inwardly free.

  • Live minimally and simply. Often extravagant living brings more stress not more satisfaction.

  • De-clutter your home to de-clutter your mind. Clutter is an often unrecognized source of stress that promotes feelings of anxiety, frustration, distraction, and guilt. Feel good in your own home. Make it your sanctuary by keeping it clean, organized, and uplifting.

  • Go without certain things you think you need. Travel to new places where not everything is as easily accessible or readily available, and learn to appreciate what you have by expanding your world.

  • Take some time away from life’s complicated outer involvements to get to know your family, your neighbors, and your loved ones better; and to get to know yourself.

7.)  Reconnect with Nature.

  • Take some time every week to recharge your body battery. On the weekend, escape to nature or a place where you can feel peace in time for a fresh start to the work week.

  • Get outside whenever possible to breathe in the fresh air and feel the sunshine. Both of which studies have shown to have a positive effect on our health and our mood.

  • Take some time to be silent. Be silent and calm every night for at least 10 minutes (longer if possible) and again in the morning before rising. This will produce an unbreakable habit of inner happiness to help you meet challenges in life.

  • Observe the natural beauty that surrounds you and feel a sense of connection. Appreciate the details and miracles that can be found in nature.

Taking the Next Steps to Finding Happiness:

Ask yourself what makes you happy, and find ways to restructure your life so that you are able to do more of those things.

Then ask why you struggle to do the things that you know will make you happy. Why are you not yet happy? Why haven’t you taken the next steps to find your happiness? Why are you here? And what do you need to do to feel a sense of accomplishment in this life?

Visualize yourself happy, doing the things that will bring you inner and outer success in life and write down the things you need to do to create a Happiness Bucket List. Start with the little things you know you can do each day that will bring you joy. Then move on to accomplish greater and greater things on your happiness bucket list.

Source: http://findinghappinessmovie.com/happiness-tips/

 

Why not to take Ayahuasca?

Sanango , Izabal, Guatemala

aya

Thank you so much hermano Sanango from the Sinchi Runa Center in Izabal, for this beautiful article. I totally agree with him on the need for a good preparation, a deep personal understanding of the process, a good mental and physical health state and lots and lots of transparency in the communication with the facilitator/assistant. Each of this parts are important for the success of a session. For the integration I watched the following: with every day you spend in a loving self-embrace; with smoothing, self-love evoking, balancing and harmonizing music; breathing deeply and consciously, while planting seeds of positive thought pattern – the deeper roots of your past (this and every other life on the spiral dance of creation), your destructive pattern and emotional body, the medicine can reach and shift in vibration. This can go on for days and days after the ceremonial encounter – totally depending on your invested degree of awareness, attention, devotion, surrender and passion. REMEMEBER – we talk about engaging in a relationship with a spirit!
I saw similarity in our few about finding the right helper match, which made me smile. I believe in guidance and the good of obeying the free will! So for me it is: 1st let the medicine call you! Feel a pull – in best case more than one’s – feel attracted, sense passion that comes from within, sense nervousness similar to stage fright….All of this are excellent signs of a “call” from your spirit guides. As next step, you can take full responsibility for yourself by clearing deep inside, what you might need in your servant. From there you are well equipped, to choose – from the heart – your work partner for the process. As a last step: with your feet on the ground, make a leap of faith, trust your choice of person and trust the process! 🙂
I found myself laughing out loud, when he calls the Ayahuasca a “des hallucinatory substance” :-).. AHO – I soooo agree!! The nice colors, the geometries and sounds are lovely and amazing also very good for the emotional body – as they are of high vibration and can fill up our “feel good account”. But they are barely a blue print of each individuals soul potential . A blueprint that wants to be manifested into our materialized world – in the alchemical wedding of your spirit in human action. The deep healing, the creational existence of self, the endlessness, we find in the layers beyond.
Isn’t it funny, that even the physical body in compressed form proves to contain 99% emptiness :-)…

Love and Blessings
Edith

There are many indications against taking ayahuasca. At the physical level, the most important is a major cardiovascular disorder. Problems could be caused not so much through the biochemical action of the brew, but through the stress caused by the intense work or circumstance that might come with the session. An ayahuasca session is a great opportunity, but demands a lot of mental and physical strength, for which it is important to have a history free of cardiovascular complications.

At the mental level, there are individuals with serious emotional problems that may hinder the dynamic of the session. These emotional problems can be expressed in daily life by uncontrollable impulses, states of explosive anger or deep states of loss of control. If the participant suffers from so-called black outs or have been diagnosed with a psychiatric mental disorder, a prior personal consultation is needed before the session to evaluate the inner state.

Moreover, there are situations such as addictions or consumption of psychiatric drugs to take into account. If the participant is using any kind of substance, it is very important to have a prior detoxification period. This is preferably done in the center that will realize the ayahuasca session. The use of substances such as cocaine or dopamine stimulants requires a detox period that can vary from 15 to 30 days before the intake of the plant. If the participant discards this indication and wishes to attend a session without disclosing data regarding these issues, it signifies a lack of understanding. Such a participant does not realize the type of medicine that ayahuasca is and will not be ready to participate in a session.

The attitude of the participant seeking their own search for truth, trust, transparency towards himself and to the process, is the most important thing in front of an ayahuasca session or any kind of spiritually based healing.
If the participant is not clear of what type of process he is approaching and has information based only through the impact of online videos, seeking a psychedelic experience or only expecting to receive lights and colorful shapes that can cause great excitement. If the expectation is a spectacular trip or a magic potion, the participant should not drink ayahuasca.

It is important to understand that the mission and spirit of ayahuasca is to heal through comprehension. The great opportunity of humanity with this entheogen is to surpass the barrier of the mind and go beyond the illusion of the state of alertness to obtain wisdom of the universe.
Ayahuasca is not an hallucinogen, is a des hallucinatory substance. Ayahuasca is a portal to the essence of humanity, a portal where memories of the species can be opened. This opening can bring understanding of the higher self and the purpose of each one, not only as an individual, but as humanity. Ayahuasca is a chance to heal the soul and reach the truth that lives within each one.

It is very important that the guide is honest and truthful. Do not take ayahuasca with guides who have new age speeches or messianic ideas. Make sure that the guide or facilitator is not improvising and that has really done a deep work of personal comprehension or a discipular spiritual path. It is advisable to analyze the ethical level of the guide or facilitator, the profusion of “shamans”, “avatars”, “guardians of the medicine” and other bizarre characters is something to avoid when choosing where and with whom to take ayahuasca. An apparent native guide or facilitator does not guarantee anything. Not be swayed by prejudice or pre concepts, neither believe in “shamans”, “natives”, who lives in cities or that are characters full of names or egotistical self-imposed titles.

If you have financial constraints, it is best to wait to fix them. Never make a decision based on finding the cheapest option. Do not trust sessions that only ask for a “collaboration” or are “free”, these are usually desperate acts of the guide or facilitator and is generally a lack of transparency. It is recommended to not do sessions carried out in cities or proceeding from them, in which the guide or facilitator is a multi-task professional.

ayahuasca

A genuine ayahuasca ceremony requires a prior preparation, a purge and a preliminary assessment. It is recommended that ayahuasca sessions be done preferably in a center in the jungle or in the countryside where the participant can disconnect from the everyday world. It is recommended to rest after the experience and make the space to take it seriously.
If the participant has a big schedule which is more important compared to the healing process and the session is one of the many experiences of the itinerary, the participant definitely should not take ayahuasca.

The participant must make a careful choice, free of cultural preconceptions, making the proper space and having the respect it deserves. If the previous points are not taken into account, one should not take Ayahuasca.
The best practice to decide where and with whom to do a session is to listen to one’s heart. It is easy to see who is real or not, this is very important when making this decision.

The participant has a decision to make this experience a chance of understanding something far beyond anything imagined. It’s the opportunity to open the heart, mind and being to the universe. The session is an opportunity to heal and be healed through the compassion of the universe. If the participant reaches humility and pureness of heart, it may understand the most important thing of their existence.

Source: http://ayahuascaguatemala.com/existen-varias-contraindicaciones-para-evitar-tomar-ayahuasca.html

Why White People Freak Out When They’re Called Out About Race

Dear Reader!

In this moment of time, society defines me and my life situation as the following: white, middle aged woman; of European, middle class upbringing; living in a third world country of Latin and Indigenous population; in an particularly on human awakening, personal growth and oneness embracing mixed race community. My friends my clients and everybody else I ever loved, are of all age, race, gender, nationality, religion, sexual orientation, spiritual belief systems and cultural diversities possible – AND – within the first 2 paragraphs I watched myself doubting Robin DiAngelo out of emotional reaction!!!
A part of that is based on cultural differences between Europe and the USA and because I was blessed by the age of 5 with friends from Japan and Iran (different color, race, religion, language, social background). So I had the impression she does not look at a very big picture – but that changed quickly!

A similarity I found the author and me monitor in our work, is – the misunderstanding between the feelings of comfort and safety in us white people.

As a significant part of my work is, to challenge the human mind to a conscious, free willed, mental death – for the sake of an awakening into higher levels of consciousness and vibration, I often see a behavior pattern indicting a deeply rooted fear – that every loos of comfort is at the same time the loos of safety. Healing does not have to be comfortable – and healing it is that our racism needs!

This, is definitely the most amazing, mind blowing, moving & interesting article on racism I read in a long time!!
I hope you enjoy the discomfort it brings :-)!!! Please bless me with your productive comments and emotional reactions!!!

BLESSINGS!!!Edith

White-Fragility‘White fragility’ is a defensive response to real conversations about race.
Last year, a white male Princeton undergraduate was asked by a classmate to “check his privilege.” Offended by this suggestion, he shot off a 1,300-word essay to the Tory, a right-wing campus newspaper.In it, he wrote about his grandfather who fled the Nazis to Siberia, his grandmother who survived a concentration camp in Germany, about the humble wicker basket business they started in America. He railed against his classmates for “diminishing everything [he’d] accomplished, all the hard work [he’d] done.”
His missive was reprinted by Time. He was interviewed by the New York Times and appeared on Fox News. He became a darling of white conservatives across the country.
What he did not do, at any point, was consider whether being white and male might have given him—if not his ancestors—some advantage in achieving incredible success in America. He did not, in other words, check his privilege.

robin-diangelo-300x188To Robin DiAngelo, professor of multicutural education at Westfield State University and author of What Does it Mean to Be White? Developing White Racial Literacy, Tal Fortgang’s essay—indignant, defensive, beside-the-point, somehow both self-pitying and self-aggrandizing—followed a familiar script. As an anti-racist educator for more than two decades, DiAngelo has heard versions of it recited hundreds of times by white men and women in her workshops.
She’s heard it so many times, in fact, that she came up with a term for it: “white fragility,” which she defined in a 2011 journal article as “a state in which even a minimum amount of racial stress becomes intolerable, triggering a range of defensive moves. These moves include outward display of emotions such as anger, fear and guilt, and behaviors such as argumentation, silence and leaving the stress-inducing situation.”

When the Black Lives Matter movement marched in the streets, holding up traffic, disrupting commerce, and refusing to allow “normal life” to resume—insofar as normalcy means a system that permits police and vigilantes to murder black men and women with impunity—white people found themselves in tense conversations online, with friends and in the media about privilege, white supremacy and racism. You could say white fragility was at an all-time high.

I spoke with DiAngelo about how to deal with all the fragile white people, and why it’s worth doing so.

Sam Adler-Bell: How did you come to write about “white fragility”?
Robin DiAngelo: To be honest, I wanted to take it on because it’s a frustrating dynamic that I encounter a lot. I don’t have a lot of patience for it. And I wanted to put a mirror to it.
I do atypical work for a white person, which is that I lead primarily white audiences in discussions on race every day, in workshops all over the country. That has allowed me to observe very predictable patterns. And one of those patterns is this inability to tolerate any kind of challenge to our racial reality. We shut down or lash out or in whatever way possible block any reflection from taking place.

Of course, it functions as means of resistance, but I think it’s also useful to think about it as fragility, as inability to handle the stress of conversations about race and racism.
Sometimes it’s strategic, a very intentional push back and rebuttal. But a lot of the time, the person simply cannot function. They regress into an emotional state that prevents anybody from moving forward.

white racism-thumb-550x252SAB: Carla Murphy recently referenced “white fragility” in an article forColorlines, and I’ve seen it referenced on Twitter and Facebook a lot lately. It seems like it’s having a moment. Why do you think that is?
RD: I think we get tired of certain terms. What I do used to be called “diversity training,” then “cultural competency” and now, “anti-racism.” These terms are really useful for periods of time, but then they get coopted, and people build all this baggage around them, and you have to come up with new terms or else people won’t engage.

And I think “white privilege” has reached that point. It rocked my world when I first really got it, when I came across Peggy McIntosh. It’s a really powerful start for people. But unfortunately it’s been played so much now that it turns people off.
SAB: What causes white fragility to set in?
RD: For white people, their identities rest on the idea of racism as about good or bad people, about moral or immoral singular acts, and if we’re good, moral people we can’t be racist – we don’t engage in those acts. This is one of the most effective adaptations of racism over time—that we can think of racism as only something that individuals either are or are not “doing.”

In large part, white fragility—the defensiveness, the fear of conflict—is rooted in this good/bad binary. If you call someone out, they think to themselves, “What you just said was that I am a bad person, and that is intolerable to me.” It’s a deep challenge to the core of our identity as good, moral people.
The good/bad binary is also what leads to the very unhelpful phenomenon of un-friending on Facebook.
SAB: Right, because the instinct is to un-friend, to dissociate from those bad white people, so that I’m not implicated in their badness.
RD: When I’m doing a workshop with white people, I’ll often say, “If we don’t work with each other, if we give in to that pull to separate, who have we left to deal with the white person that we’ve given up on and won’t address?

imagesSAB: A person of color.
RD: Exactly. And white fragility also comes from a deep sense of entitlement. Think about it like this: from the time I opened my eyes, I have been told that as a white person, I am superior to people of color. There’s never been a space in which I have not been receiving that message. From what hospital I was allowed to be born in, to how my mother was treated by the staff, to who owned the hospital, to who cleaned the rooms and took out the garbage. We are born into a racial hierarchy, and every interaction with media and culture confirms it—our sense that, at a fundamental level, we are superior.

And, the thing is, it feels good. Even though it contradicts our most basic principles and values. So we know it, but we can never admit it. It creates this kind of dangerous internal stew that gets enacted externally in our interactions with people of color, and is crazy-making for people of color. We have set the world up to preserve that internal sense of superiority and also resist challenges to it. All while denying that anything is going on and insisting that race is meaningless to us.
SAB: Something that amazes me is the sophistication of some white people’s defensive maneuvers. I have a black friend who was accused of “online harassment” by a white friend after he called her out in a harsh way. What do you see going on there?
RD: First of all, whites often confuse comfort with safety. We say we don’t feel safe, when what we mean is that we don’t feel comfortable. Secondly, no white person looks at a person of color through objective eyes. There’s been a lot of research in this area. Cross-racially, we do not see with objective eyes. Now you add that he’s a black man. It’s not a fluke that she picked the word “harassed.” In doing that, she’s reinforcing a really classic, racist paradigm: White women and black men. White women’s frailty and black men’s aggressiveness and danger.

But even if she is feeling that, which she very well may be, we should be suspicious of our feelings in these interactions. There’s no such thing as pure feeling. You have a feeling because you’ve filtered the experience through a particular lens. The feeling is the outcome. It probably feels natural, but of course it’s shaped by what you believe.

imagesSAB: There’s also the issue of “tone-policing” here, right?
RD: Yes. One of the things I try to work with white people on is letting go of our criteria about how people of color give us feedback. We have to build our stamina to just be humble and bear witness to the pain we’ve caused.
In my workshops, one of the things I like to ask white people is, “What are the rules for how people of color should give us feedback about our racism? What are the rules, where did you get them, and whom do they serve?” Usually those questions alone make the point.
It’s like if you’re standing on my head and I say, “Get off my head,” and you respond, “Well, you need to tell me nicely.” I’d be like, “No. Fuck you. Get off my fucking head.”

In the course of my work, I’ve had many people of color give me feedback in ways that might be perceived as intense or emotional or angry. And on one level, it’s personal—I did do that thing that triggered the response, but at the same time it isn’t onlypersonal. I represent a lifetime of people that have hurt them in the same way that I just did.
And, honestly, the fact that they are willing to show me demonstrates, on some level, that they trust me.

SAB: What do you mean?
RD: If people of color went around showing the pain they feel in every moment that they feel it, they could be killed. It is dangerous. They cannot always share their outrage about the injustice of racism. White people can’t tolerate it. And we punish it severely—from job loss, to violence, to murder.
For them to take that risk and show us, that is a moment of trust. I say, bring it on, thank you.

When I’m doing a workshop, I’ll often ask the people of color in the room, somewhat facetiously, “How often have you given white people feedback about our inevitable and often unconscious racist patterns and had that go well for you?” And they laugh.
Because it just doesn’t go well. And so one time I asked, “What would your daily life be like if you could just simply give us feedback, have us receive it graciously, reflect on it and work to change the behavior? What would your life be like?”
And this one man of color looked at me and said, “It would be revolutionary.”

mlkSAB: I notice as we’ve been talking that you almost always use the word “we” when describing white people’s tendencies. Can you tell me why you do that?
RD: Well, for one, I’m white (and you’re white). And even as committed as I am, I’m not outside of anything that I’m talking about here. If I went around saying white people this and white people that, it would be a distancing move. I don’t want to reinforce the idea that there are some whites who are done, and others that still need work. There’s no being finished.
Plus, in my work, I’m usually addressing white audiences, and the “we” diminishes defensiveness somewhat. It makes them more comfortable. They see that I’m not just pointing fingers outward.
SAB: Do you ever worry about re-centering whiteness?
RD: Well, yes. I continually struggle with that reality. By standing up there as an authority on whiteness, I’m necessarily reinforcing my authority as a white person. It goes with the territory. For example, you’re interviewing me now, on whiteness, and people of color have been saying these things for a very long time.

On the one hand, I know that in many ways, white people can hear me in a way that they can’t hear people of color. They listen. So by god, I’m going to use my voice to challenge racism. The only alternative I can see is to not speak up and challenge racism. And that is not acceptable to me.
It’s sort of a master’s tools dilemma.

dem321SAB: Yes, and racism is something that everyone thinks they’re an authority on.
RD: That drives me crazy. I’ll run into someone I haven’t seen in 20 years in the grocery store, and they’ll say, “Hi! What’ve you been doing?”
And I say, “I got my Ph.D.”
And they say, “Oh wow, what in?”
“Race relations and white racial identity.”And they’ll go “Oh, well you know. People just need to—”
As if they’re going to give me the one-sentence answer to arguably the most challenging social dynamic of our time. Like, hey, why did I knock myself out for 20 years studying, researching, and challenging this within myself and others? I should have just come to you! And the answer is so simple! I’ve never heard that one before!

Imagine if I was an astronomer. Everybody has a basic understanding of the sky, but they would not debate an astronomer on astronomy. The arrogance of white people faced with questions of race is unbelievable.

Source: http://www.alternet.org/culture/why-white-people-freak-out-when-theyre-called-out-about-race

The Secret Lives Of Men

The Secret Lives Of Men

I know a secret about men most of you don’t.

Why do I know this little secret? Men talk to me. Most of my friends are males and they tell me everything. And, I mean EVERYTHING.
A lot of men don’t know how to be honest about who they truly are inside, especially with the people closest to them and it’s heartbreaking. Men cry in front of me. Men call me more than my female friends. Men are so desparate to connect to someone they don’t have to lie to.
Contrary to what a lot of people THINK, men are DEEP FEELING BEINGS who are cut off from their emotional world.

And it’s our world and our thinking that is doing this to men. Men carry HEAVY BURDENS.
There’s a lot of fear and pressure around who they should be and what makes a man honorable or good.
There is so much judgment around what men do wrong and how they are stupid, but not enough understanding about what’s going on inside. It’s no wonder going inside is such terrifying territory for men.
People, in general, rarely look inside. When have men had decent role models to show them the way?
Men tell me the truth in the same way a man needs to confess his soul. I listen. I care. I don’t judge but I do speak truth and hold them accountable.
Through countless years of listening to men some major things have stood out to me that I feel others need to know.
This is not a post to bash men or throw men under a bus, rather it is a chance for us to understand men and their struggles. As a woman who loves men I seek to understand them, and inspire them to face their fears, and I hope you’ll join me.

All men fall into one of three categories in life:

1). Men Who Have Integrity

2). Men Who Want To Have Integrity but Struggle

3. Men Who Don’t Have Integrity and Don’t Give A Fuck

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Men who have integrity are a rare breed. The world seems to be crying out for this kind of man; the man who values his word and commitments. A man who is integrated, centered, crystalized, and yet for most men striving for this is like climbing EVEREST.
Men get caught up in ideals of perfection (which reminds them too much of striving) rather than realizing men who have integrity have just learned to bring out what is already INSIDE.
Most men in the world fall into the middle category. A lot of these men are your friends, your boyfriends, your spouses and they are good men caught up in struggle.
The men who just don’t give a fuck aren’t even worth talking about in this piece. Until a man has a conscience he’s impossible to grow.
So what’s the big secret about THE MEN WHO WANT TO HAVE INTEGRITY BUT STRUGGLE and just what do they struggle with?

MOST MEN WHO LACK INTEGRITY LEAD DOUBLE LIVES.

Men who struggle with integrity are split, divided.

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We are talking schizophrenia or what you know of as duality. Most everyone in the world is split, it is a common condition of human kind as a result of conditioning, socialization, religion, cutlure and wounding. But today we are talking about men, cause it is the MEN in my life who have poured their hearts out to me over this.
I’m writing this for them and for all the men out there who I know feel their pain. Instead of bashing men for what isn’t virtuous about them or their behavior let’s try to understand what is at the heart of MEN who lack integrity.

1). MOST MEN DON’T KNOW WHO THEY ARE

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From the time boys are little they are taught who they should be. They are taught they need to be someone and typically that image comes from the outside in, not the inside out.
The someone that men are taught to be typically revolves around: status, wealth, women, and what your parents or your society thinks are important in life.
While the world tells men “how they should be” what kind of job they should have, what kind of partner makes them look good, what kind of status to aspire for, what kind of lifestyle, if they should marry, be monogamous, etc, it’s hard for men to hear the voice of their own soul, THEIR OWN BEING. When you grow up with everyone telling you how you should be, how you should act, what you should think, what you need to do to prove your worth, you are already suffocated. Some MEN are suffocated to death before they even feel or know their own breath.

MEN: your soul, or your true nature is layered beneath all these things you think you should be. You are not your personality. You are not who people think you should be. Most of you were not taught the value of exploring your inner landscape. Most of you have no idea how to stay inside your feelings long enough to process what your are feeling. You are conditioned to be outwardly driven. And, it’s a mindfuck. Instead of the world bringing out who you are, you are programmed to be the best version everyone else wants you to be.
This might be surprising to you, even the women reading this. You look at guys and you see a lot of them doing what they love. Whether it’s sports, connecting to the outdoors, or hobbies, men seem to have always had a better sense of themselves than women in their pursuits and aspirations and desires.
While it is true most men know what they like, knowing what you like and who you are are two radically different things. Most men don’t even know they have issues until they’re in relationships with women or men if you’re gay or bi.
It’s only then that all the shit they have never looked at, never knew existed, or even imagined was controlling their lives, surfaces.
While women are closer to their emotional worlds and are more inward in their need to process everything most guys are directed outwardly.
Most guys I know will talk about their feelings, but things that make them uncomfortable or they have to ponder and look at for long periods of time is a challenge. There’s A LOT OF PAIN INSIDE OF MEN.
They’d rather go surf it out, fuck it out, or drink it out than actually deal with what is really going on deep down inside of them. And it makes me sad. I love these men so much and I see how terrified they are to feel or let go of the image of who they think they should be. So let me tell you what is going on deep down inside of a lot of men.

There are 2 major things I see in MEN who STRUGGLE with INTEGRITY.

Most MEN compromise their TRUTH by:

1). SETTLING

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A lot of men don’t aim as high as they need to and they end up settling with women that eventually bore them to tears, drive them into the ground, bleed them dry or make them feel just safe enough they don’t have to face the shit inside of them that would force them to know and see what they are made of. A lot of guys don’t want to know their potential.For them it means they have to wake up to all that has been done to them and feel the pain they are in.

Most men are not cowards, they’re suffering.

A MAN’S POTENTIAL IS NO JOKE and A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY.

And the cost for most men not living their potential looks something like this: Men are either comfortably numb or they are miserable in their relationships.
They meet women who have one half of what they honestly need, while the other half is like a doggie treat dangling out there for them to go fetch in small doses. Men don’t cheat because they are assholes. Most men cheat because they are bored, unmet, uninspired and dying, but they lack the courage to get off their assess and go face the challenges it requires to get what they truly want.
Or some men just don’t know how to be different or get the help they need, so they do nothing.

I am here to tell you men that you need to aspire to be with women who are on your level and if you are on not on the level of the woman you want to be with DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I know you’re in pain. I know you’re scared and I know it’s easier to to not deal, but deep down you know that you are worth more than you are giving yourself.
Grow yourself.

LOVE YOURSELF. Because settling is a death sentence.
A lot of men are terrified to aim for the women they really want to be with because the women they want are going to call them out on all their shit.
They are going to hold up a mirror so big that you will either see your false bullshit and run, or you will see it and aspire to drop the stuff that isn’t you. You have a choice. Settle and be the guy who lives a double life and who never really knows what he is made of or GO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE  and WANT.

If you don’t know how to take that leap: LOOK AT IT AS AN ADVENTURE. You guys are good at adventure, most of you.

2). Working Jobs They Hate

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Most men feel so much pressure to perform and earn at the cost of their own happiness. This pressure comes from all sides. Women. Family. Society. IT’S A FUCKING BURDEN.

If you wake up in the morning and you do not look forward to what you do for work and yet you do it because it is good pay, you can maintain a certain lifestyle and status, ask yourself, what are you sacrificing in yourself to maintain an image? Is slave driving yourself worth doing something that would bring you more fulfillment and joy? Do you want to be a robot for the rest of your life or do you want to LIVE? Do you have the creativity it takes to pioneer your own path and see where living in your truth takes you?

 2). MOST MEN HAVEN’T FOUND THEIR COURAGE

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It takes more courage than most people know to drop the layers of your conditioning, socialization, religion, culture and to heal your emotional wounds.
It is easy to not deal, to turn the other cheek, to be a cheater and think you are still a good guy cause you are a decent dude in every other way than you lie and cheat. A lot of men look to the idea they have of themselves to hold this image of WHO THEY THINK THEY ARE. But I am here to tell you, you are not WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, you are HOW YOU ACT.
If you cheat, if you lie, if you manipulate, YOUR IMAGE IS A FACADE. If you want to be the best man you can be, or the best version of yourself or even discover who you are when you are not split, you have to be willing to look at the facts.
You have to be willing to see the discrepancy in your being when you live honestly 80% of the time and the other 20% you are leading a secret life you are too afraid to expose.
If you do not tell the truth, if you lie to make yourself appear like you are not the way you are, because some part of you thinks, well fuck, everyone lies, or everyone’s got secrets, or you tell yourself I AM DOING THIS TO PROTECT SOMEONE ELSE. Please…. The only person you are protecting when you lie is YOURSELF, your false SELF.

Your false self depends on your LIES. If right now you are with a woman who you know in your heart is not your equal I challenge you to aim higher and do whatever it takes to grow into the man you are in your soul. If you are working a job that you hate, but you are good at it, and it could change your lifestyle but there’s a chance it could make you happier, and you could manifest the money you need or you could learn to live with less material shit, RISK IT.
If you are cheating because you truthfully aren’t monogamous or you haven’t found that woman that really does it for you, OPEN YOUR EYES. NO ONE WANTS TO LIVE A LIE, but when you LIE that is exactly what you are doing.
If you are a man who wants to intergrate, be whole and know who he is beyond all the shit that has been put on you, YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
You either stay addicted to CHAOS and SCHIZOPHRENIA and remain divided or you could RISK finding out what you are truly made of.
It really depends on the kind of man you want to be. If you want to be a man controlled by what others impose or if you are willing to dare to create your own life from the inside out. Few men actually dare to bring out what’s really inside of them, most men hide. But what I see in men, is men who want to try but are afraid. I know what it is to be afraid. I know what it feels like to wonder if you have what it takes.
I empathize. I look at it this way. What REGRETS are you willing to die with and what regrets do you not want to take to the grave?

THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
I know from my own experience that living a lie is the worst kind of hell there is, for you and for others.
So if you want to get out of HELL, try honesty. And see how your life begins to rewire itself in your favor.
XO, Much love to you MEN… the men who struggle but who want be who they truly are. I SEE YOU.

Kelly Marceau

Thank you to all the men who have bared their hearts and souls to me. If we can all get a little closer to the truth and stop weaving this web of lies the BULLSHIT in this world will cease to OWN US.

 

http://kellymarceau.com/the-secret-lives-of-men/