Helping Our Porn Influenced Youth To Develop Healthy Sexual Relationships

3by Edith Boyer-Telmer

Dear Friends,
last November I shared a wonderful article from the hand of Bryan Reeves about Why men must give up porn, in order to find excess to meaningful sexuality again. I also posted the reflection of a close friend, how he is no longer procrasturbating his life away, but is looking for new ways how to deal with his life force and feelings. Many people involved themselves in the discussion the impressively honest report by Emma Lindsay, about What a bi-sexual woman learned from dating women who have been raped, brought up.
In her piece the author shares with us, that for women in our society it has become a state of daily normality” to be harassed, depressed or insulted on a sexual level. Now I ran into a study from Australia, unveiling how deeply effected our youth feels by the porn-culture they are growing up in. So lets take a look at what we are truly dealing with, and what we can do to support our children in their attempt to develop healthy and loving sexual relationships for their future.

This is a part of the Article “Growing up in Pornland” by
“[I want] better education regarding sex for both boys and girls [and] information about pornography, and the way it influences harmful sexual practices.”
These are the words of Lucy, aged 15, one of 600 young Australian women and girls who took part in a just-released survey commissioned by Plan Australia and Our Watch. The survey, conducted by Ipsos, gathered responses from the girls and young women aged 15-19 in all states and territories.Sexual bullying and harassment are part of daily life for many girls. Young people are speaking out more and more about how these practices have links with pornography – and so they should, because they have most to lose. Pornography is molding and conditioning the sexual behaviors and attitudes of boys, and girls are being left without the resources to deal with these porn-saturated boys.

If there are still any questions about whether porn has an impact on young people’s sexual attitudes and behaviors, perhaps it’s time to listen to young people themselves. Girls and young women describe boys pressuring them to provide acts inspired by the porn they consume routinely. Girls tell of being expected to put up with things they don’t enjoy.3Some see sex only in terms of performance, where what counts most is the boy enjoying it. I asked a 15-year-old about her first sexual experience. She replied: “I think my body looked OK. He seemed to enjoy it”. Many girls seem cut off from their own sense of pleasure or intimacy. That he enjoyed it is the main thing. Girls and young women are under a lot of pressure to give boys and men what they want, to adopt pornified roles and behaviors, with their bodies being merely sex aids. Growing up in a pornified landscape, girls learn that they are service stations for male gratification and pleasure.

I meet girls who describe being groped in the school yard, girls routinely sexually harassed at school or on the school bus on the way home. They tell me boys act like they are entitled to girls’ bodies. Defenders of porn often say that it provides sex education. And it does: it teaches even very young boys that women and girls are always up for it. “No” in fact means yes, or persuade me.

The proliferation and globalization of hypersexualised imagery and pornographic themes makes healthy sexual exploration almost impossible. Sexual conquest and domination are untempered by the bounds of respect, intimacy and authentic human connection. Young people are not learning about intimacy, friendship and love, but about cruelty and humiliation.

It is intimacy and tenderness that so many girls and young women say they are looking for. A young woman told me that on dating sites she lists under “fetish” wanting to stare longingly into someone’s eyes and to take sex slow. She said if she didn’t put these desires in the “fetish” category, they wouldn’t warrant a second glance.

It is wrong to leave sexual formation in the hands of the global sex industry. We need to do more to help young people stand up against warped notions of sexuality conveyed in pornography.

So what can we do to help our youth find their own way in the intensive stretch between their human needs for intimacy, authenticity, gentleness and kindness; and the projected reality they are daily confronted with on internet, the media, nearly every commercial they see and maybe also their homes. And there is where we can begin. Invite your children to speak openly about their sexuality. Encourage your children to ask questions, and make sure to answer them honestly!! Lead your daughters to have strong relationships with other women. A lot of the pressure young women feel, to perform and outshine, comes from a feeling of competition that can be avoided by a positive bond and healthy association with the own sex.
The website womenyoushouldknow.net recently shared a post, showing a recommendation from the graphic designer Katherine Young on how magazines for our girls should look like, in order to support their over all growth into strong and authentically expressing women. And there is since this month a new way possible to look at female sexuality, by the introduction of a 3D printed clitoris into the classrooms of French schools. If that model spreads, female sexual education will naturally change.
Dear Ones let me know what your thoughts are on this topic! Personally I think it needs a tribe to grow a healthy human being, so lets come together in joint forces, so our children don’t have to feel left alone with this fundamental part of their human education.
weneedtodobetter-768x498This is from the article “This is a 3D model of a clitoris – and the start of a sexual revolution“, by Minna Salami:
This month, pupils across France will be able to use the first full-size 3D printed anatomical model of a clitoris in their sex education classes. The truth is, you might struggle to gain pleasure from a tool you don’t even know you have. In 2016, women finally know without speculation what the whole of their sexual organ looks like; and for many it won’t be quite what they imagined.
You may be wondering, what’s the big deal? Is the clitoris not the “small, sensitive, erectile part of the female genitals at the anterior end of the vulva”, as Oxford Dictionaries defines it? And isn’t the real issue simply whether it brings a woman sexual gratification? Well, decide for yourself.
The popular opinion seems to be that the 3D printed clitoris resembles a wishbone. To my eyes, it also (fittingly) resembles a fleur-de-lys, or, to use a more contemporary example, a tulip emoji.

But the important thing is that it debunks myths that have repressed female sexuality for centuries. For one, it refutes the dictionary/textbook education that wrongly asserts the clitoris is the size of “a fingertip”, a “pea” or that it is small. We can now clearly see that the clitoris includes two shafts (crura) which are actually about 10cm long. Not only can we visualize that the clitoris is more than what the eye perceives; with the visual model we can also now get a mental image of how it encircles the vagina, making penetrative sex potentially orgasmic.

Moreover, with the 3D model, the uninformed ways that women’s bodies are represented, whether through sex education, pop culture or pornography, now just seem silly. Imagine a world where it is common knowledge what a woman’s primary anatomically sexual organ looks like. Imagine how sexually empowered women who can visualise their clits will be. Imagine too how confident men can be when freed from the epidemic deception that satisfying a woman is like winning in the lottery. And lastly, imagine being able to respond to inquisitive children who want to know why Jane’s and John’s genitals are different, with a logical and factual answer – that a clitoris is like an internal penis and a penis like an external clitoris.8Sources: theguardian, collectiveshout, womenyoushouldknow

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