if you follow my writing, you probably can remember my excitement about the ripple effect of discussion, the posts about our collective sexual awakening into the Golden Age of Aquarius have kicked off. Many people felt the impact of the energy frequencies, as the theme of aligning the human sexuality is unfolding for the collective. Some of them completely rejecting to take responsibility, but also many who shared my happiness about the immense chances for healing, we collectively experience now. Inspired by my search, a dear friend send me this wonderful, reflective piece from another Spiritual Warrior brother, fighting his way back to authentic sexual expression.
Today’s Gemini Full Moon provides us with the mental power and energetic support we need for this next leap of faith into the unknown, into a brand new relationship paradigm. To leave behind what ever does not serve our highest good. Be courageous, be fearless and claim your liberation from the past!! Don’t forget, when ever you feel in need, you can call in the support of the Angelic Energies, that are here for us right now!!
Peace, Love & Blessings
And here comes his Story:
The dim blue light flickered in the room down the hall. The sounds of people cheering for more and laughing echoed as he entered the room to see what she was watching. She was under the blanket with her teeth sunk into the side of her lower lip and wetting them every now and again. They met while traveling and decided to move in together. Watching TV regularly had lost its luster for him, since he had sold his belongings all those years ago in order to move into backpack and travel. Naturally he was curious what kind of show she was watching to get so hot and bothered. Craning his head towards the source of this light and sound to see that she’s watching the cooking channel and the chef is driving his fingers into the tender muscle on the table in front of him. He was moving in a thorough way going with and then against the grain of the muscle. He applied different pressures and speeds to slather the marinade spice rub in every sensual way. With his head cocked to the side and a quizzical tone, he laid thick the sarcasm, “Babe, why do you love watching those foodie shows so much? It’s not like you can cook.”
She took her gaze away from the TV, locked eyes as her chest rose to gather her thoughts, and with a sigh she fogged the broken mirror, “Well… you watch porn!” That was the beginning of the end. Not just the relationship but also of my need to distract myself with porn. My distraction and inattention led her to seek what was missing in our relationship with another man. I had unconsciously pushed away a great woman. I was confronted with a dirty little secret that very few of us will engage, let alone talk about, until some sex scandal gets splashed across the front page of the national headlines. I wasn’t sure if porn had affected my relationships but it definitely ruined my computer and how I used the Internet. After the breakup, I also had a death in the family which made reflection of what kind of life I was really living extremely relevant. That was when a buddy of mine introduced me to yoga. I was hooked on yoga even though I felt like something more was missing from my personal life. I realized that porn was destroying more than just my keyboard and leaving my computer riddled with digital STDs, so I chose to do the one month NoFAP challenge. Cold turkey. Good thing it was one of those shorter months.
At first, it was easy to keep myself occupied, but then my mind began to race about why I was really doing this and reflecting on how long pornographic images had plagued my life. Ultimately, the ‘why’ was easy… I wanted to have better relations and interactions with women in general. I was brand new to yoga and yoga studio life then and one day before in a mid-morning hot yoga class I was caught googling an attractive woman in the mirror who kept fiddling with her yoga costume. I couldn’t remember the last time that I had felt that ashamed and guilty. I never did muster up the courage to start a conversation with the attractive woman in the studio in order to apologize for our mutual embarrassment. There I was, in a world surrounded by amazingly dynamic women that I couldn’t fully appreciate because of simple, blatant subject-object separation. I suffered from a physical conditioned reaction to a physical conditioned attraction where normalcy included my porn-influenced tunnel vision which sexualized every woman and interaction I subsequently initiated. In a conversation with one of my Russian friends, she told me an old expression that translates as, “Women fall in love with their ears, and men fall in love with their eyes.” Another friend blurted, “And hands, don’t forget the hands!” That little insight belly flopped from the high-dive in the ocean of my mind. I was substituting my visual love with online pornography.
Truth be told, my porn habit HAD ruined my relationships and the one it ruined the most was the relationship with myself. The amount of time, energy, and bandwidth used for auto-erotic procrast-urbation had reached a tipping point. So, ask yourself… what do procrastination and masturbation have in common? They both feel really good until you realize that you just fucked yourself! Procrast-urbating. This most intimate form of communication that had been poisoned by the media I consumed had overflowed into all of the other types of relationships I had. Both interpersonal: family, friends, casual, and intimate and interpersonal: my internal masculine, feminine, human and divine. As they say in Spanish, this was the drop that overflowed the glass.
As I heal from the polluted visual and mental environment I can choose to identify, observe, and change my behavior regarding the media I consume.
In sharing my story with you I have opened myself up and exposed a dirty little secret of my life, which is one that is also collectively shared among society in general. I, like everyone else, am a work in progress and the story of my life is just that. Another story. Another beautiful reflection of our inner and outer worlds. And my story, just like yours, is flexible. Very flexible. So don’t get so bent out of shape. My decision to share this is part of my own growth as I continue to upgrade my grey matter and improve my relations with others is just one of the many steps I’ve taken to reclaim my body and my mental environment. It’s all about the intention and the feeling. In the end, is pornography bad? In general, NO. It has a form, function, and purpose that can be a beneficial tool when used with intention to explore our sensuality. This only gives rise to the deeper questions of where we as a collective are taught about sex and love. These days I prefer to share the experience with my lover and let her choose what we watch and the different things we try behind closed doors as I learn to more effectively communicate my own likes, dislikes, needs, fears, and desires rather than simply re-enact scenes of semi-violent simulated sex that had been implanted in my visual landscape. Releasing myself from the bondage of online pornography was one of the best and most difficult things I’ve ever done for myself.
These days I am No Longer Procrasturbating My Life Away!!
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