I know a secret about men most of you don’t.
Why do I know this little secret? Men talk to me. Most of my friends are males and they tell me everything. And, I mean EVERYTHING.
A lot of men don’t know how to be honest about who they truly are inside, especially with the people closest to them and it’s heartbreaking. Men cry in front of me. Men call me more than my female friends. Men are so desparate to connect to someone they don’t have to lie to.
Contrary to what a lot of people THINK, men are DEEP FEELING BEINGS who are cut off from their emotional world.
And it’s our world and our thinking that is doing this to men. Men carry HEAVY BURDENS.
There’s a lot of fear and pressure around who they should be and what makes a man honorable or good.
There is so much judgment around what men do wrong and how they are stupid, but not enough understanding about what’s going on inside. It’s no wonder going inside is such terrifying territory for men.
People, in general, rarely look inside. When have men had decent role models to show them the way?
Men tell me the truth in the same way a man needs to confess his soul. I listen. I care. I don’t judge but I do speak truth and hold them accountable.
Through countless years of listening to men some major things have stood out to me that I feel others need to know.
This is not a post to bash men or throw men under a bus, rather it is a chance for us to understand men and their struggles. As a woman who loves men I seek to understand them, and inspire them to face their fears, and I hope you’ll join me.
All men fall into one of three categories in life:
1). Men Who Have Integrity
2). Men Who Want To Have Integrity but Struggle
3. Men Who Don’t Have Integrity and Don’t Give A Fuck
Men who have integrity are a rare breed. The world seems to be crying out for this kind of man; the man who values his word and commitments. A man who is integrated, centered, crystalized, and yet for most men striving for this is like climbing EVEREST.
Men get caught up in ideals of perfection (which reminds them too much of striving) rather than realizing men who have integrity have just learned to bring out what is already INSIDE.
Most men in the world fall into the middle category. A lot of these men are your friends, your boyfriends, your spouses and they are good men caught up in struggle.
The men who just don’t give a fuck aren’t even worth talking about in this piece. Until a man has a conscience he’s impossible to grow.
So what’s the big secret about THE MEN WHO WANT TO HAVE INTEGRITY BUT STRUGGLE and just what do they struggle with?
MOST MEN WHO LACK INTEGRITY LEAD DOUBLE LIVES.
Men who struggle with integrity are split, divided.
We are talking schizophrenia or what you know of as duality. Most everyone in the world is split, it is a common condition of human kind as a result of conditioning, socialization, religion, cutlure and wounding. But today we are talking about men, cause it is the MEN in my life who have poured their hearts out to me over this.
I’m writing this for them and for all the men out there who I know feel their pain. Instead of bashing men for what isn’t virtuous about them or their behavior let’s try to understand what is at the heart of MEN who lack integrity.
1). MOST MEN DON’T KNOW WHO THEY ARE
From the time boys are little they are taught who they should be. They are taught they need to be someone and typically that image comes from the outside in, not the inside out.
The someone that men are taught to be typically revolves around: status, wealth, women, and what your parents or your society thinks are important in life.
While the world tells men “how they should be” what kind of job they should have, what kind of partner makes them look good, what kind of status to aspire for, what kind of lifestyle, if they should marry, be monogamous, etc, it’s hard for men to hear the voice of their own soul, THEIR OWN BEING. When you grow up with everyone telling you how you should be, how you should act, what you should think, what you need to do to prove your worth, you are already suffocated. Some MEN are suffocated to death before they even feel or know their own breath.
MEN: your soul, or your true nature is layered beneath all these things you think you should be. You are not your personality. You are not who people think you should be. Most of you were not taught the value of exploring your inner landscape. Most of you have no idea how to stay inside your feelings long enough to process what your are feeling. You are conditioned to be outwardly driven. And, it’s a mindfuck. Instead of the world bringing out who you are, you are programmed to be the best version everyone else wants you to be.
This might be surprising to you, even the women reading this. You look at guys and you see a lot of them doing what they love. Whether it’s sports, connecting to the outdoors, or hobbies, men seem to have always had a better sense of themselves than women in their pursuits and aspirations and desires.
While it is true most men know what they like, knowing what you like and who you are are two radically different things. Most men don’t even know they have issues until they’re in relationships with women or men if you’re gay or bi.
It’s only then that all the shit they have never looked at, never knew existed, or even imagined was controlling their lives, surfaces.
While women are closer to their emotional worlds and are more inward in their need to process everything most guys are directed outwardly.
Most guys I know will talk about their feelings, but things that make them uncomfortable or they have to ponder and look at for long periods of time is a challenge. There’s A LOT OF PAIN INSIDE OF MEN.
They’d rather go surf it out, fuck it out, or drink it out than actually deal with what is really going on deep down inside of them. And it makes me sad. I love these men so much and I see how terrified they are to feel or let go of the image of who they think they should be. So let me tell you what is going on deep down inside of a lot of men.
There are 2 major things I see in MEN who STRUGGLE with INTEGRITY.
Most MEN compromise their TRUTH by:
A lot of men don’t aim as high as they need to and they end up settling with women that eventually bore them to tears, drive them into the ground, bleed them dry or make them feel just safe enough they don’t have to face the shit inside of them that would force them to know and see what they are made of. A lot of guys don’t want to know their potential.For them it means they have to wake up to all that has been done to them and feel the pain they are in.
Most men are not cowards, they’re suffering.
A MAN’S POTENTIAL IS NO JOKE and A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY.
And the cost for most men not living their potential looks something like this: Men are either comfortably numb or they are miserable in their relationships.
They meet women who have one half of what they honestly need, while the other half is like a doggie treat dangling out there for them to go fetch in small doses. Men don’t cheat because they are assholes. Most men cheat because they are bored, unmet, uninspired and dying, but they lack the courage to get off their assess and go face the challenges it requires to get what they truly want.
Or some men just don’t know how to be different or get the help they need, so they do nothing.
I am here to tell you men that you need to aspire to be with women who are on your level and if you are on not on the level of the woman you want to be with DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I know you’re in pain. I know you’re scared and I know it’s easier to to not deal, but deep down you know that you are worth more than you are giving yourself.
LOVE YOURSELF. Because settling is a death sentence.
A lot of men are terrified to aim for the women they really want to be with because the women they want are going to call them out on all their shit.
They are going to hold up a mirror so big that you will either see your false bullshit and run, or you will see it and aspire to drop the stuff that isn’t you. You have a choice. Settle and be the guy who lives a double life and who never really knows what he is made of or GO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE and WANT.
If you don’t know how to take that leap: LOOK AT IT AS AN ADVENTURE. You guys are good at adventure, most of you.
2). Working Jobs They Hate
Most men feel so much pressure to perform and earn at the cost of their own happiness. This pressure comes from all sides. Women. Family. Society. IT’S A FUCKING BURDEN.
If you wake up in the morning and you do not look forward to what you do for work and yet you do it because it is good pay, you can maintain a certain lifestyle and status, ask yourself, what are you sacrificing in yourself to maintain an image? Is slave driving yourself worth doing something that would bring you more fulfillment and joy? Do you want to be a robot for the rest of your life or do you want to LIVE? Do you have the creativity it takes to pioneer your own path and see where living in your truth takes you?
2). MOST MEN HAVEN’T FOUND THEIR COURAGE
It takes more courage than most people know to drop the layers of your conditioning, socialization, religion, culture and to heal your emotional wounds.
It is easy to not deal, to turn the other cheek, to be a cheater and think you are still a good guy cause you are a decent dude in every other way than you lie and cheat. A lot of men look to the idea they have of themselves to hold this image of WHO THEY THINK THEY ARE. But I am here to tell you, you are not WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE, you are HOW YOU ACT.
If you cheat, if you lie, if you manipulate, YOUR IMAGE IS A FACADE. If you want to be the best man you can be, or the best version of yourself or even discover who you are when you are not split, you have to be willing to look at the facts.
You have to be willing to see the discrepancy in your being when you live honestly 80% of the time and the other 20% you are leading a secret life you are too afraid to expose.
If you do not tell the truth, if you lie to make yourself appear like you are not the way you are, because some part of you thinks, well fuck, everyone lies, or everyone’s got secrets, or you tell yourself I AM DOING THIS TO PROTECT SOMEONE ELSE. Please…. The only person you are protecting when you lie is YOURSELF, your false SELF.
Your false self depends on your LIES. If right now you are with a woman who you know in your heart is not your equal I challenge you to aim higher and do whatever it takes to grow into the man you are in your soul. If you are working a job that you hate, but you are good at it, and it could change your lifestyle but there’s a chance it could make you happier, and you could manifest the money you need or you could learn to live with less material shit, RISK IT.
If you are cheating because you truthfully aren’t monogamous or you haven’t found that woman that really does it for you, OPEN YOUR EYES. NO ONE WANTS TO LIVE A LIE, but when you LIE that is exactly what you are doing.
If you are a man who wants to intergrate, be whole and know who he is beyond all the shit that has been put on you, YOU HAVE A CHOICE.
You either stay addicted to CHAOS and SCHIZOPHRENIA and remain divided or you could RISK finding out what you are truly made of.
It really depends on the kind of man you want to be. If you want to be a man controlled by what others impose or if you are willing to dare to create your own life from the inside out. Few men actually dare to bring out what’s really inside of them, most men hide. But what I see in men, is men who want to try but are afraid. I know what it is to be afraid. I know what it feels like to wonder if you have what it takes.
I empathize. I look at it this way. What REGRETS are you willing to die with and what regrets do you not want to take to the grave?
THE CHOICE IS YOURS.
I know from my own experience that living a lie is the worst kind of hell there is, for you and for others.
So if you want to get out of HELL, try honesty. And see how your life begins to rewire itself in your favor.
XO, Much love to you MEN… the men who struggle but who want be who they truly are. I SEE YOU.
Thank you to all the men who have bared their hearts and souls to me. If we can all get a little closer to the truth and stop weaving this web of lies the BULLSHIT in this world will cease to OWN US.